Holy Crap! YouTube is Older Than My Underwear Drawer and Worth More Than My Entire Life?!

Giggity Giggity! YouTube's Been Around for 20 Years?!

Alright alright alright! So some brainiac named Jawed Karim – sounds like a villain from a James Bond movie doesn't it? – uploaded a 19 second video of himself at the San Diego Zoo. I'm sure it was riveting stuff probably more exciting than watching Mort Goldman clip his toenails. But get this it was the FIRST video on YouTube! Who knew? It's like finding out that the first beer was brewed in my basement! This thing's been around for 20 years? I've had underwear older than that. And that's saying something because I haven't done laundry since Carter was president!

One Point Sixty Five BILLION Dollars?! That's More Than My Bar Tab!

So these guys – Karim Chen and Hurley – they sold YouTube to Google for a cool $1.65 BILLION in 2006! One point sixty five BILLION?! That's like a million times what I make in a year! I could buy a lifetime supply of Pawtucket Patriot beer with that kind of dough. And hookers! I mean what?! Nothing! Ahem anyway since then YouTube's become a get this "global media juggernaut." A juggernaut! Sounds like something you'd find in the bathroom after a night of too many clams.

Bigger Than Disney?! Holy Sweet Crustacean of Freedom!

This MoffettNathanson guy says YouTube is on track to be bigger than Disney by 2025. Disney! The House of Mouse! That's like saying I'm going to be more ripped than Quagmire. Giggity! Apparently YouTube's the king of streaming because they don't have to make their own content. They just let the creators do it. Smart move I should try that with my bills. "Hey Visa I'm not paying you some random person will!" Yeah that'll work.

YouTube Premium? More Like YouTube 'Pay mium'! Am I Right?

Apparently all these fancy features like YouTube Premium and Music are raking in the dough. People are actually paying for this stuff! I mean I get it no ads is nice but come on I'm already watching videos of cats playing the piano for free. Do I really need to pay to watch it without interruption? It's like paying extra for mayonnaise on a mayonnaise sandwich! What kind of world are we living in Lois?

TikTok vs YouTube: The Battle of the Boredom!

Then there's TikTok that app where people do dances and lip sync to songs. Honestly I tried it once and ended up with a strained groin. Anyway Google made YouTube Shorts to compete. Short videos! It's like they took the attention span of a goldfish and said "Let's build a platform around it!" But apparently it's messing with YouTube's revenue. See this is what happens when you try to be hip with the kids you end up pulling a hamstring.

Antitrust? Sounds Like a New Type of Condiment!

But here's the kicker: Google might be in trouble with the government. Something about "illegal monopolies." Sounds serious! They might have to break up Google and YouTube could be on the chopping block. Maybe they'll sell it to me! I'd rename it "PeterTube" and fill it with videos of me eating hot dogs. Now that's a platform everyone would watch!