Holy Crap! Stock Market's Got a Case of the Mondays (Again!) Will Tariffs Ruin My Beer Budget?!

Giggity Giggity... Is the Market Gonna Rise?

Alright folks Peter Griffin here your friendly neighborhood financial guru! So the stock market's been acting like Lois when I suggest a night out – all resistant and stubborn. Apparently it's trying to climb this 5,500 mountain on the S&P 500 but it keeps slipping like I do after too many Pawtucket Patriot Ales! They're saying it needs a "constructive trend signal." Sounds fancy doesn't it? Reminds me of when I tried to build a treehouse. Let's just say it ended with me Brian and a lot of splinters. Giggity.

Tariff ic News or Just Plain Tariff ying?

Now these tariffs are like that time I tried to make my own mayonnaise – a total mess! Apparently the U.S. and China might be talking about a "big deal," but it's all slower than Mort Goldman at a marathon. And get this these earnings reports don't even account for the tariffs yet! It's like finding out your Halloween candy is sugar free AFTER you've eaten half of it. A real kick in the pants let me tell ya. And the Federal Reserve isn't helping either! Where's the love?!

Wait and See? More Like Wait and Pee (From Boredom!)

Some fancy pants investment guy named Brent Schutte says it's a "wait and see" situation. Wait and see?! I'm Peter Griffin! I don't do 'wait'! I need instant gratification like when Lois lets me have a second dessert. Unless of course tariffs magically disappear like that time I lost my pants at the Clam. Now that was a day...

The Economy's Got a Case of the Mondays!

This whole thing is like when Brian tries to explain politics to me. My brain just turns to mush! And get this companies are already jacking up prices because of these tariffs! They are passing the costs to *us*! I'll tell you what that is almost as crazy as the time I fought the giant chicken! It seems like this whole market uncertainty thing is like when I try to assemble Ikea furniture – a never ending nightmare!

I Need a Drink (And Maybe Some Stocks That Actually Go Up!)

So what's a guy to do? Maybe I should just invest in Pawtucket Patriot beer? That always seems like a safe bet. Remember that time I was the mascot for Pawtucket Brewery? Ah good times. It seems like the economy is just on a road to no where like when I get behind the wheel of a vehicle. Unless the Federal Reserve is willing to help we are on our own people!

CNBC Pro LIVE?! Sounds Kinda Fancy but Maybe Worth It...

Hold the phone! CNBC's having some shindig at the New York Stock Exchange. They say you can "gain an edge" with their experts. Sounds like a good way to get some tips to me! Plus there's a cocktail hour! Free drinks? I'm in! Maybe I'll even wear my fancy tuxedo T shirt. Anyone want to join me?