Holy Crap Lois! Trump Dumps Space Dude After Elon Musk Ticked Him Off!

A Brief Stint in Politics: Giggity!

Alright alright alright! So you won't BELIEVE this! This Jared Isaacman fella right? He was all set to join NASA probably to find aliens or something cool like that time I found that talking dog... Brian was it? Anyway seems like President Trump pulled the plug on him faster than I can down a Pawtucket Patriot Ale. Turns out our boy Jared told investors that his 'brief stint in politics was a thrilling experience.' Like who says that? Sounds like something Herbert would say after chasing after Chris!

CEO? More Like See Ya Later Dude!

So Jared who started his company Shift4 way back when he was like a baby (16!) was gonna bail as CEO if he got the NASA gig. But Trump said "Hold your horses space cowboy!" and yanked the nomination faster than you can say 'freakin' sweet.' Trump posted on Truth Social (whatever THAT is) that he canned Isaacman after a 'thorough review of prior associations.' Sounds like someone found my old stash of nudie magazines if you ask me. He's now executive chairman and he said: "Even knowing the outcome I would do it all over again." Well good for you buddy...

Musk vs. Trump: A Battle of the Billionaires!

Here's where it gets juicy Lois! This Isaacman dude is tight with Elon Musk the guy who wants to put us all on Mars. And Musk has been giving Trump a serious wedgie over his tax cut bill. Apparently Musk thinks it's gonna turn America into 'debt slavery!' Which let's be honest sounds like a Tuesday for me after a night at the Drunken Clam. Isaacman in an episode of the All In podcast that went live on Wednesday indicated that his past donations weren't likely the reason for Trump's decision since he described himself as "right leaning" and a supporter of the president's agenda. "I don't want to play dumb on this," he said. "I don't think the timing was much of a coincidence."

SpaceX and Shift4: A Match Made in…Space!

Turns out Isaacman not only knows Musk but has also flown on his SpaceX rockets. Fancy! Shift4 even threw a cool $27.5 million at SpaceX. I bet they have awesome company picnics. Probably better than the time I tried to grill a whole cow in my backyard. Let's just say Brian wasn't happy. But hey at least it distracted him from talking about politics I suppose.

DOGE Gone Wild!

And get this! Musk was even leading Trump's Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE)! Yeah I know sounds like a meme. But after his time ran out (apparently he can only be a special government employee for so long which is a relief) he turned into Trump's biggest critic. It's like that time I tried to be a garbage man – I loved the perks at first (free pizza!) but then I realized how much it stank and bailed faster than you can say 'roadhouse.' Actually you can say it pretty fast. Roadhouse!

New CEO: Time to Party?!

So Isaacman's out as CEO but some Taylor Lauber guy is stepping in. Sounds like a name you'd find on a cereal box. Isaacman claims he's not stopping now. "I have been working since I was a teenager and not planning to stop now," Isaacman wrote. "I love this company the strategy and our team. As the largest shareholder I am eager to continue contributing where I believe my efforts will have the most impact." Good for him! I guess that means more time for me to binge watch TV chase after the ice cream truck and maybe just maybe try to understand what the heck is going on in politics. Eh probably not. I'll stick to Quahog.