Holy Crap Lois! The Rich are Playing Monopoly with Real Buildings!

Giggity Giggity: The Rich Get Richer (and Diverser!)

Alright so I was reading this thing and apparently the super rich – you know the guys who could buy Quahog and turn it into a giant clam farm if they wanted to – are changing how they spend their money. BlackRock which sounds like a metal band I saw in the 80's did a survey and found out these 'family offices' are putting more of their cash into alternative investments. So instead of buying another solid gold toilet (like I would obviously) they're buying up real estate and get this 'venture capital.' Sounds like something Stewie would invest in to build his world domination ray. I mean who needs a freakin' solid gold toilet when you can build a doomsday device?

Private Equity? More Like Private... Eeew quity!

Now get this apparently a bunch of these fat cats are getting cold feet about 'private equity.' Some of them like 12% or something are actually *decreasing* their investments! It's like when I tried to make a movie with Brian and then realized he was a pretentious windbag. Some of them are optimistic but others are pessimistic. You know like when Lois tries to make me eat broccoli. Ugh. Anyway this BlackRock guy Armando Senra (sounds like a Bond villain doesn't it?) says that private equity is still a big deal but they're spreading their bets. Which reminds me of that time I tried to bet on all the horses in the race...didn't end well.

Infrastructure? Is That Like Roads and Stuff?

So what's hot now? Apparently it's 'infrastructure.' I had to Google it. Turns out it's like roads bridges and uh data centers? Apparently even rich people are investing in that like you ever see them do any DIY? I'm still not entirely sure what it is but this Armando guy says it's like getting 'private equity type return with significantly lower risk.' Which sounds like someone trying to sell me a timeshare in Florida. Hey speaking of Florida...

AI: Skynet is Coming (and the Rich are Funding It!)

And get this this 'infrastructure' thing is tied to the whole AI craze! Remember that time I tried to build a robot to do my chores? It ended with the house on fire. Anyway apparently AI needs lots of data centers and fancy energy grids. Jeff Bezos' family is even throwing money at some company that stores data in a DNA style system! Lois we gotta get in on this! We could store our collection of 'Family Guy' DVDs in my DNA! Maybe even some Pawtucket Patriot Ale!

Private Credit: Sounds Kinda Risky

Now there's also this thing called 'private credit.' Sounds like something you get at a shady loan shark. Some rich folks are excited about it but others are worried. Apparently it's risky because these companies might default on their loans if the economy goes belly up. It's like when I promised to pay Cleveland back for that bowling ball...still haven't done it. This Armando guy says you gotta be careful and pick the right managers. Which reminds me where's Ollie? I need him to manage my beer supply.

Special Situation Debt? Sounds like my dating life!

But here's the kicker: these rich dudes are into something called 'special situation debt.' Sounds like my dating life after Lois gets mad at me! Apparently it's when you lend money to companies that are in trouble. And they say doing it right is supposed to be safer than 'private equity'. The article says direct lending is a good bet. Makes you wonder what other investments are out there... Maybe I should invest in a giant trampoline. I bet I could make a killing charging people to watch me bounce.