Holy Crap Lois, Stocks are Doing WHAT!?

Netflix and Chill... Your Portfolio?

Alright alright settle down you bunch of Quahog weirdos! Peter Griffin here your financial guru...ish. So this fancy pants on CNBC Jeff Kilburg says Netflix is doing pretty darn good! Apparently everyone's been binge watching 'Space Family Ganon' so much that the stock went up. Now I love Netflix especially when Lois isn't nagging me to do chores but this Kilburg guy is saying maybe sell some shares? Says it's been a 'workhorse'. I don't know about you but the only workhorse I know is that horse that kicked me that one time... Oooooh that smarts! Anyway maybe take some profits and buy some Pawtucket Patriot Ale. That's my financial advice!

Johnson & Johnson: No Relation to My Johnson

Now this Johnson & Johnson thing... First off let me clarify it has nothing to do with my Johnson. Though I do use their baby powder... for reasons. Anyway Kilburg says it's been 'sideways' for three years. Sideways huh? That's how I felt after that time I tried to do the limbo under a closing garage door. Not recommended. Apparently this company is solid like a rock. Like the rock that Meg keeps trying to hide under. Buy some maybe? I dunno sounds boring. Where's the excitement? Where's the 'giggity'?

Under Armour: For When You're Trying to Look Like a Superhero (But Fail)

Under Armour huh? Sounds like something my fat rolls would wear while trying to be athletic. Apparently this Kilburg fella is all about it. Says it's a 'great American brand.' Like apple pie baseball and... uh... yelling at the TV during football games! They got a deal with the NFL. Maybe that means I can finally get a jersey that fits. Although I'd probably still look like a busted can of biscuits. Kilburg says buy it! Long term! I say if it means I can finally look somewhat presentable maybe I'll risk it.

Volatility? Sounds Like a New Energy Drink!

This whole 'market volatility' thing sounds like one of those energy drinks Brian's always trying to get me to try. Makes you jittery and then you crash. No thanks! I'll stick to my beer. But apparently these stocks are like roller coasters going up and down faster than my weight on a Tuesday after Stewie messes with my metabolism. Kilburg seems to think he knows what's up but honestly I'm just hoping Lois doesn't find out I spent all our money on scratch off tickets again.

Expert Insights? More Like 'Expert Insanity'!

CNBC Pro Live? Sounds like a bunch of smarty pants talking about things that will probably just confuse me. They're having an event at the New York Stock Exchange. You know the place where everyone yells and wears those funny jackets. I'd rather be at The Drunken Clam. But hey if you like that kinda thing and you're a 'CNBC Pro subscriber' which I'm totally not then knock yourself out! Maybe you can learn enough to buy me a lifetime supply of beer!

My Expert Analysis: Buy Beer Avoid Responsibility!

Alright folks Peter's financial advice for the day: Buy beer. Avoid responsibility. Blame it on the dog. It's worked for me for years! This stock market stuff is confusing but beer is always a good investment. And remember if things go south just yell 'Freakin' sweet!' and hope for the best. That's what I do! Giggity!