Holy Crap Lois! Senate Sticking Around Like a Bad Episode of 'Funky Flashman'!

What the Deuce? No Fireworks?

Alright so get this Lois! Senator John Thune he's like "We're not leaving Washington until we pass this 'big beautiful bill' of Trump's!" I'm thinking 'Big and beautiful? Is it a giant pile of clam chowder?' Because I could get behind that! But no it's some bill. And they're missing the Fourth of July! The Fourth! That's like missing the chance to see Conway Twitty! Oh wait... never mind. They better have some good fireworks lined up in the Senate or I'm gonna be madder than Stewie when he can't find his time machine.

Fiscal Hawks: More Like Fiscal Turkeys!

So apparently some of these Republican guys these 'fiscal hawks,' are flapping their wings about the bill exploding the national debt. Exploding! Like a Mentos in a Diet Coke bottle! Senator Ron Johnson is all 'We should be bending the curve of deficits down!' Yeah well I should be winning the lottery every week Ron! Doesn't mean it's gonna happen! These guys are acting like they've never seen a good spending spree. Reminds me of that time I got a credit card... Hoo boy.

Thune's Confidence: As Real as My Six Pack

Thune says he's 'confident' they'll get the bill across the finish line. Confident? That's rich! I'm 'confident' I can out eat Brian at the Drunken Clam but we all know how that ends. Usually with me on the floor surrounded by pretzel crumbs belting out 'Surfin' Bird.' But hey maybe Thune's got a secret weapon. Maybe he's going to bribe them all with free Quahogs... or maybe he's just full of it like the time I tried to convince everyone I was a secret agent. 'Shh Lois I can't tell you it's classified!' *Trips over ottoman*.

The White House Weighs In: More Hype Than a Meg Griffin Date

Even the White House is chiming in saying it's 'imperative' they pass the bill by July 4th. Imperative! That's a strong word! It's like saying it's imperative I watch 'Knight Rider' reruns every afternoon. Okay maybe it is imperative but still! This Leavitt broad is all over Twitter hyping it up. It's like trying to make Meg Griffin the prom queen – good luck with that!

The Looming Deadline: Tick Tock Goes the Political Clock

So the Senate was supposed to be on vacation this week you know grilling hot dogs and wearing those goofy American flag shorts. But NOOOO! They gotta stay and wrangle this bill. It's like when you promise Lois you'll do the dishes but then you find a 'Star Wars' marathon on TV. Suddenly the dishes are the least important thing in the universe. Except you know Lois is way scarier than Darth Vader.

My Expert Prediction (Which is Usually Wrong)

Honestly this whole thing is a bigger mess than my taxes. Will they pass the bill? Who knows! Will I understand what's in it? Probably not! All I know is I'm missing out on fireworks. And if I don't get my fireworks I'm gonna start launching my own. Maybe a potato cannon full of beer cans... now there's a bill I can get behind! Giggity!