Holy Crap Lois! GameStop Goes Full Crypto Bro!

Fifty Shades of Bitcoin

Alright so get this Lois. GameStop yeah the place where I try to trade in games for like five bucks and they sell 'em for full price? Well they went and bought a STAGGERING 4,710 Bitcoins. That's like more than I've spent on beer in my entire life... probably. It's apparently worth over half a BILLION dollars! Half a BILLION! I could buy so many chicken fights with that kind of dough.

Following the Leader (and Hopefully Getting Rich)

Apparently GameStop is trying to be like this company called MicroStrategy who are now calling themselves Strategy. They bought tons of Bitcoin and their stock went bonkers. I remember one time Stewie tried to manipulate the stock market... didn't end well. But hey maybe GameStop knows what they're doing. Or maybe they're just drunk on power like when I became mayor for a day.

Uh Oh Spaghettios!

Of course there's always a catch. After the news came out GameStop's stock dipped by 9%. Nine percent Lois! That’s like finding out there's no more Pawtucket Patriot beer at The Drunken Clam! But hey it's up 8% for the year so I guess we'll see what happens. As long as they don't start charging me in Bitcoin for used games I'm good.

Ryan Cohen's Grand Plan

This whole thing is thanks to Ryan Cohen the CEO. He's trying to save GameStop by cutting costs and making the company profitable. Which is good. But what I REALLY need is a way to get my hands on the new 'Madden' without spending a fortune. Maybe I should try convincing him that I'm a savvy investor... like that one time I convinced everyone I was a dog whisperer!

Cash Money (or Crypto Money?)

Turns out GameStop is sitting on a mountain of cash like $4.76 billion! I could build a solid gold Clam with that kind of money! And they're saying they might buy even MORE Bitcoin! Seriously I need to get in on this. I'm thinking of investing all my life savings... which admittedly isn't much after that whole Quagmire's boat incident.

So What Does This All Mean?

Look all I know is this: GameStop is betting big on Bitcoin. And while I don't fully understand what a 'blockchain' is I hope it means I can finally afford that new solid gold toilet I've been eyeing up for the house. Because you know 'Shut up Meg!'