Giggity Giggity! Free National Parks? I'm There, Even if it Means Outrunning a Bear!

Holy Crap! Free Parks? Seriously?

Alright alright alright! Peter Griffin here your friendly neighborhood idiot with some news that's gonna make you wanna do the 'Surfin' Bird' dance! Apparently those brainiacs in Washington are letting us slobs into National Parks for FREE on Juneteenth! I'm talking Grand Canyon Yellowstone the whole shebang! It's like Christmas but instead of getting socks you get to breathe slightly less polluted air. Score!

Hold Your Horses! There's a Catch (Like When Lois Says 'No' to Beer)

Now before you start picturing yourself wrestling a bear (which let's be honest I'd try) there's a catch. While gettin' in is free anything fun—like camping launching your boat into a lake full of snapping turtles or taking a guided tour where they make you wear those dorky hats—still costs money. It's like when Lois says I can have a beer but only if I mow the lawn...which let's face it ain't happenin'.

Early Bird Gets the Worm... Or Avoids the Horde of Tourists

They're sayin' to get there early like before the sun even thinks about wakin' up. Apparently everyone and their mother (especially Mort Goldman's mother) will be there. So unless you wanna be stuck in a line longer than the one for free beer at a Red Sox game set that alarm. Or you know just show up whenever and blame Meg for the delay. 'Shut up Meg!'

Park It Like It's Hot: A List of Freebie Locations

Alright here's the rundown of places you can crash for free this Juneteenth like I crash on the couch after a six pack of Pawtucket Patriot Ale: * Acadia National Park * Arches National Park * Glacier National Park * Grand Canyon National Park * Yosemite National Park * Zion National Park Sounds fancy right? I bet they got those fancy toilets that spray water up your butt!

Missed the Boat? More Free Days Baby!

Don't sweat it if you're busy on Juneteenth... maybe you're busy watching Conway Twitty music videos or something. There are other free days coming up! Check the Department of the Interior website for the deets. They got free days on July 16 (Bureau of Land Management's birthday) August 4 (Great American Outdoors Day) September 27 (National Public Lands Day) October 12 (National Wildlife Refuge Week) and November 11 (Veterans Day). It's like a buffet of free stuff only with more trees and less questionable mayonnaise.

Oh and Buy a House or Something... Whatever

Oh and get this. Some CNBC people want you to buy a house. They got a course and everything. Sounds boring. I'd rather watch that YouTube video of a squirrel waterskiing. But hey if you're into that kinda thing go for it. Just don't blame me if you end up living next to Herbert.