Giggity! Congress Tries to Pass a 'Big, Beautiful Bill' Before My Beer Gets Warm!

Holy Crap! Another Bill? Are We Paying for This?

Alright so these bozos in Washington are trying to shove this 'one big beautiful bill' – sounds like something Quagmire would say giggity – through the Senate before July 4th. Why July 4th? So they can light their cigars with our tax dollars while we're stuck with sparklers I bet! This thing's been bouncing around like a pinball in Quagmire's pants and now they're scrambling to get it done. Frankly this whole process is more confusing than explaining the plot of 'Citizen Kane' to Stewie.

Five Trillion Dollars? That's More Than My Bar Tab!

The real kicker is this proposed $5 trillion debt ceiling increase. Five TRILLION! That's enough to buy a lifetime supply of Pawtucket Patriot beer... and maybe a small island where I can declare myself king. Some of those Republican senators are giving the stink eye which means they're probably just jealous they didn't think of it first. Senator Thune wants to get this thing moving faster than Lois when she sees a clearance sale at Bloomingdale's but even he's not sure he's got the votes. It's like that time I tried to convince everyone that the giant chicken was a communist spy – nobody bought it!

Trump's Tax Cuts: Still Kicking Like That Time I Fought Ernie the Giant Chicken!

So the bill keeps Trump's tax cuts going. Lower income taxes bigger deductions the whole shebang. And some new stuff too like tax breaks for tip income? Score! Maybe I can finally afford to tip Mort Goldman properly. But get this – some of these tax breaks are only temporary which is about as useful as Joe Biden's advice on... well anything. Sounds like a classic bait and switch to me!

The 'Revenge Tax' is Dead! Thank God I Can Still Afford to Eat!

Apparently there was this 'revenge tax' that everyone on Wall Street was freaking out about. Something about retaliating against countries with 'discriminatory' taxes. Sounds like something Stewie would come up with to punish Rupert for not being cuddly enough. Anyway they scrapped it which is good because the last thing I need is more financial drama. I’m still paying off the damages from when I accidentally bought a blimp!

SALT Deduction: Still Salty But a Little Less So!

This SALT deduction thing is a real headache. They're messing with the limit on what you can deduct for state and local taxes. Apparently the Senate wants to raise the cap to $40,000 but only for a few years. It's like when Lois tries to compromise on chores – she gives you a little something but then takes it all back later with interest. And there's some loophole for fancy businesses which seems fair. After all you have to give the richest something to make it all seem fair.

Whale Hunting and Electric Cars? What in the Sweet Nutella?!

And here's where it gets really weird. They're raising the deduction for whale hunting expenses. WHALE HUNTING! Who even does that anymore? It must be for those Alaskans I guess. Also they're killing the tax credit for electric vehicles early. So if you're planning on buying an electric car to save the planet I'd do it now or the taxman will give you the old Cleveland Brown treatment when he sees the bill. This bill is like a grab bag of random stuff. Speaking of bags that reminds me I have to go make a deposit at the sperm bank.