Excellent! UnitedHealth's Stock Plummets Like Smithers on Thin Ice!

A Miserly Masterplan Revealed!

Bah! As if I C. Montgomery Burns don't employ similar tactics! The Guardian eh? Sounds like a bunch of tree hugging malcontents. They're reporting that UnitedHealth that bloated behemoth of bandages and billing has been secretly slipping a few shekels to nursing homes to discourage them from sending their feeble residents to hospitals. 'Cost cutting,' they call it. I call it 'fiscal responsibility'! Though perhaps a bit more subtlety is required. Smithers remind me to look into this...for *inspiration* of course. Release the hounds!

HSBC Joins the Pile On!

Hmph even those pencil pushers at HSBC are getting in on the act! Downgrading the stock to 'reduce,' are they? And a price target of $270? Preposterous! A share of *my* power plant is worth far more than that...in sentimental value at least. These financial institutions are like a pack of wolves descending on a wounded gazelle! I'll stick to my investments in vintage radium thank you very much.

The Long Arm of the Law!

A criminal investigation you say? Medicare fraud? Oh the delicious irony! It seems the Department of Justice is sniffing around poking their noses where they don't belong. They should be focusing on real criminals like those pesky youngsters skateboarding on my property! Still I can appreciate a bit of ruthless ambition. Perhaps I should send Mr. Witty a fruit basket...or perhaps a poisoned donut. Decisions decisions...

Vanishing Forecasts and Fleeing CEOs!

Witty's abrupt departure and the withdrawal of their 2025 forecast? Sounds like someone couldn't handle the pressure! Or perhaps he knew too much. Either way it's a good reminder that even the mightiest empires can crumble. Reminds me of the time I tried to block out the sun. A noble effort ultimately thwarted by the meddling of one Simpson Homer. Doh!

Smithers Revise Our Healthcare Strategy!

This whole debacle underscores the importance of…vigilance. Yes vigilance! Smithers I want you to pore over UnitedHealth's filings. See if we can glean any...'innovative' cost saving measures. And while you're at it find a way to legally acquire their stock at a significantly reduced price. 'Release the robotic Richard Simmons,' as I always say.

Excellent...for Me!

Ultimately this is excellent news! While those bleeding hearts wring their hands over 'ethics' and 'patient care,' I see opportunity! A chance to buy low sell high and perhaps even consolidate my control over the healthcare industry. After all who needs doctors when you have…Smithers? He gives a mean back rub. And remember a healthy workforce is a productive workforce...and a productive workforce is a profitable workforce...for *me*! Now Smithers fetch me my beryllium! And a vial of children's tears.