Excellent... Retail Apocalypse! Smithers, Release the Hounds!

Bah Humbug! The Numbers Are In!

Good heavens! Smithers read this drivel to me. It seems the commoners have decided to tighten their purse strings. A 0.9% DECREASE in retail sales! Preposterous! It seems the 'experts' at Dow Jones were expecting a 0.6% drop those fools! As if their expectations matter to a man of my stature. This is an outrage! They dare not spend their meager wages! Are they trying to bankrupt me? I say are they?! I want names Smithers! Names of everyone who didn't buy something this month! I'll add them to my list of enemies – right after those blasted Simpsons.

Gasoline Woes and Tariff Troubles Oh My!

Apparently the price of gasoline and those ghastly tariffs are to blame. As if a few extra pennies should deter these simpletons from emptying their wallets! This is a conspiracy I tell you! Probably orchestrated by that dreadful President Trump! He's always meddling where he doesn't belong. "Release the hounds!" No wait that won't solve anything. Smithers remind me to invest in more oil companies. If they're hurting I'll just buy them up! And those tariffs? Utter nonsense! They're messing with my bottom line! "Are you saying boo or boo urns?" Smithers I'm saying both! Boo to the economy and boo to these imbecilic consumers!

Cars and Carts: A Tale of Woe

Motor vehicles down 3.5%? Bars and restaurants down 0.9%? What is the world coming to? Don't these people understand that the economy is fueled by excessive consumption? I need them buying gas guzzlers and over priced cocktails! I want them lining up to throw their money away! But no they're being 'selective.' Selective! As if they have a choice! They work for me directly or indirectly! They shall purchase what I deem necessary! "I'm beginning to think that maybe it's wrong to own people." Nonsense Smithers! They're not people they're resources! And they are failing.

Silver Linings and Online Shenanigans

Ah a glimmer of hope! Miscellaneous retailers up 2.9% and online sales up 0.9%. At least some people are still lining my pockets! I must invest more in these 'online' ventures. Perhaps I'll start selling Burns branded doohickeys. Burns Bug Zappers Burns Radium Repellent Burns Anti Germ Hats... Yes yes! Smithers get to work! "Excellent!"

The Stock Market: A Nervous Beast

Of course the stock market reacted like a terrified chihuahua. Always jittery always unpredictable. These "Treasury yields" falling is also most irritating. Still I've seen worse. I remember the Great Depression. Now THAT was a disaster but not for me of course! I actually bought up a bunch of companies back then. "I brought you into this world and I can take you out!" That goes for companies too.

GDP: A Glimmer of False Hope

They project a rebound in GDP? Bah! Fool's gold! It's all a game of smoke and mirrors. These 'experts' wouldn't know a healthy economy if it bit them on the posterior. "I'm rich beyond the dreams of avarice!" And I intend to stay that way despite the best efforts of these penny pinching consumers and meddling presidents. Smithers adjust my portfolio. I have a feeling we're in for a bumpy ride.