Excellent! Pope Francis's Funeral Draws Massive Crowds, Even More Massive Than My Annual Birthday Bash!

A Farewell to a Humble Man... And My Chance to Be on TV!

Bah! The world mourns the passing of Pope Francis. Apparently he had a knack for helping the 'least among us,' a phrase I usually reserve for Smithers when he's fetching my slippers. This whole affair was quite the spectacle attracting presidents princes and sadly not nearly enough nuclear power enthusiasts. About 250,000 people showed up! Though if I’m being honest a good portion of them were probably there hoping to catch a glimpse of yours truly Montgomery Burns! The event coincided with some adolescent Holy Year celebration proving once again that I’m still more popular than the church. The selfies were most certainly because I was there.

Informal Spontaneous and Still Not as Rich as Me!

Cardinal Giovanni Battista Re a man even older than myself (if you can believe it!) delivered a long winded eulogy praising the Pope's 'open heart.' Open heart? Sounds expensive! He prattled on about Francis's concern for migrants and refugees. Honestly all this talk about 'the poor' is enough to make a man sick! I'd rather hear about dividend yields and the rising price of plutonium. Apparently the Pope thought the church should be a home for all! Well my mansion is certainly not. No loafers on my property.

Radical Reform? More Like Radical Waste of Time!

Francis apparently 'choreographed' his own funeral aiming to emphasize his role as a 'mere pastor' and not 'a powerful man of this world.' As if those two ideas are mutually exclusive! A 'poor church for the poor,' he dreamed. Poppycock! I say a rich church for the rich to invest in! That's the ticket! It’s just like that time I tried to buy the monorail. It seemed like a good investment and who doesn’t love the song?

Even the Powerful Showed Up (Probably Seeking My Approval)

Despite all this focus on the 'powerless,' a gaggle of world leaders showed up. Trump Biden Zelenskyy... Honestly it was like a meeting of the World's Most Boring Billionaires' Club! And that Argentine president Milei got special treatment. I have a feeling it's because the Pope never gave him money. Trump and Zelenskyy even had a little tête à tête on the sidelines. No doubt they were comparing notes on whose hairpiece is more convincing.

Mass Hysteria and Police Helicopters A Tuesday for Me!

The city was swarming with mourners giant TV screens and police helicopters! Reminded me of when I announced my candidacy for town dog catcher. The authorities mounted a 'massive security operation.' You'd think I was launching another hostile takeover of a rival power plant! Some pilgrims gushed about how 'charismatic' and 'human' the Pope was. Bah! Give me cold hard cash any day. That’s human.

To the Grave... Er Basilica! And On to the Next One!

And now the wheels are in motion to elect a new Pope. A conclave of cardinals will decide the next leader of the flock. Francis will be laid to rest in St. Mary Major Basilica near the train station. How pedestrian! I of course plan to be buried in my own personal mausoleum guarded by robot dogs and fueled by orphan tears! Forty 'special guests' (read: homeless people and migrants) will greet his coffin. Such a sentimental gesture. Meanwhile I’ll be at the power plant ensuring my employees get back to work.