Excellent! New Car Tariffs Loom, Time to Fleece the Masses, Eh Wiggum?

A Temporary Reprieve Before the Plunder

Bah! So these tariffs imposed by that nincompoop in Washington are supposedly going to inflate car prices. But huzzah! For the moment the hoi polloi are still enjoying prices that haven't yet been thoroughly gouged. Mark Schirmer some lackey at Cox Automotive says things are "holding steady." Steady! As if I want things steady! I want them skyrocketing! Smithers remind me to double his parking fees.

Profits Squeezed? Nonsense!

These dealers and automakers claim their profits are getting "squeezed." Squeezed! As if a little discomfort compares to the glorious feeling of overflowing coffers. They've been "absorbing costs." Absorbing! Preposterous! They should be passing those costs directly to the consumer with a healthy markup of course. Where's their initiative? Their greed?! Oh the humanity!

The Buying Surge: A Fleeting Moment of Joy

Apparently there was a 'buying surge' when people got wind of these tariffs. Fools! They should have waited! But no matter their panic buying was a delicious appetizer before the main course of extortion. And now sales have declined? Oh fiddlesticks! I need to motivate these rubes. Smithers release the robotic Richard Simmons. Operation 'Motivate the Masses' is a go!

The Inventory Gamble: Playing the Long Game

The current inventory built before the tariffs is running out. Good! That means newer models can reflect the true inflated costs. Ford and Subaru have already raised prices? Excellent! Lead the way you craven capitalists! Soon every car will cost as much as a small country. My dreams of a diamond encrusted car are nearly within reach! Smithers fetch my monocle. I must examine the schematics.

Sticker Shock Awaits

Depending on the model these tariffs could add anywhere from $2,000 to $15,000 to the price. Oh the exquisite agony! I mean the…er…tragic circumstances. Yes tragic for them profitable for me. Buying now before the full impact is "cost certainty" says one of these so called experts. Cost certainty! As if anyone can be certain of anything except my unwavering pursuit of wealth and power.

Advice from an imbecile

They suggest buying used cars or leases! Lease? Used? Smithers remind me to buy a used car dealership and secretly destroy the inventory! Let them come crawling to me begging for a new car at my inflated prices. As for this course on buying a house bah! Houses are for the poors living in a box living in a box! Burns Manor is the only domicile of true distinction. Now Smithers release the hounds! I feel a prank coming on.