Excellent! Meta's Profits Surge, Just As I Predicted (Probably)

A Most Gratifying Beginning

Good heavens what's this? Meta's profits are up? Capital Gains?! Turns out even those blithering millennials are good for something after all. The numbers you see they're quite…satisfactory. A first quarter revenue of $42.31 billion! A whole dollar more than expected I bet! Net income jumped a delightful 35%. Smithers remind me to send Zuckerberg a… well a moderately encouraging telegram. He still works for me indirectly you know. All those metaverse shebangs and AI shenanigans better start paying off or it's curtains for him. I might just buy the whole thing myself turn it into a massive power plant fueled by cat videos.

The Spectre of Uncertainty

Bah macroeconomic uncertainty! A phrase used by fools who lack the sheer unadulterated power to bend economies to their will! Apparently Meta's finance chief a Ms. Susan Li is wringing her hands over reduced ad spend from Asia e commerce exporters. Honestly can't they just print more money? Or better yet work harder? The nerve of some people. This 'uncertainty' is nothing but a minor inconvenience like when Smithers misplaces my dentures. We'll simply squeeze them a bit harder – a good old fashioned stock market crash will keep everyone in line.

Expenses? Poppycock!

These nincompoops at Meta are tinkering with their expenses like a bunch of chimpanzees with a nuclear reactor. Lowering some increasing others… Honestly it's all just fiddling while Rome burns! Or in this case fiddling while my dividends… I mean the global economy teeters on the brink of collapse! Data center investments they say? Supporting artificial intelligence efforts? Sounds suspiciously like Skynet in the making. Smithers keep an eye on that Zuckerberg fellow. He's getting ideas.

The European Menace

The European Commission? Those blithering bureaucrats! They're at it again meddling with my… err Meta's perfectly legitimate business practices. Apparently some nonsense about no ads subscription services. Honestly they just want a piece of the pie! Well they can have it! A pie full of… of… well something unpleasant! Smithers remind me to add 'destabilize the Eurozone' to my to do list. And find me a good lawyer preferably one who specializes in international law and intimidation.

Reality Labs: A Loss Leader (For Now)

Reality Labs. Oh that boondoggle. Losing money hand over fist I'm sure. But Zuckerberg assures me it's the future. Virtual reality this augmented reality that… All just a fancy way to distract the masses from their impending doom really. Smithers remind me to short their stock if Reality Labs doesn't start turning a profit by next quarter. And send a strongly worded memo to Zuckerberg reminding him that failure is not an option. Unless of course it benefits me financially.

Threads AI and World Domination

Threads AI and a few new toys for Zuckerberg to play with. Threads and the Metaverse is the future of the internet. I can monetize it so I can get my hands on it. Meta AI eh? Almost a billion monthly users. Well let's shove a bunch of ads in there to increase user engagement shall we. A premium version? Excellent! Double the revenue double the despair! Soon we shall control every thought every purchase every… *ahem*… Like I said I might as well buy the whole company myself for the betterment of everyone of course. Now Smithers fetch me my slippers and a glass of prune juice. World domination is exhausting.