Excellent! Kohl's CEO Bites the Dust! A Burns' Eye View

A Most Disappointing Development… For Him!

Bah! Another one bites the dust! This Buchanan fellow the CEO of Kohl's has been given the old heave ho. Apparently he was dipping his fingers into the till engaging in 'vendor transactions' with undisclosed conflicts. Honestly these young whippersnappers! Back in my day we were far more discreet. Smithers remind me to review my own 'vendor transactions.' Just to… ensure everything is above board of course. Release the hounds!

Sagging Sales? Nonsense! Just Poor Management!

And the excuses! 'Sagging sales,' they say. 'Competition from e commerce firms.' Poppycock! It's simply a failure of leadership. When I ran Springfield (and nearly the entire state!) things were far more… controlled. Imagine letting online retailers steal your customers! It's like letting the dogs play poker!

A Carousel of CEOs! Utter Chaos!

This Buchanan fellow was only CEO since November! A blink of an eye! Before him Kingsbury. Now some chap named Bender is 'interim CEO.' It's a veritable carousel of corporate inadequacy! Reminds me of the time I tried to run a nuclear plant with a team of chimpanzees. More organized frankly.

Layoffs! A Delicious Reduction in Overhead!

Ah layoffs. A necessary evil and a delightful one at that! Buchanan in his brief tenure slashed 10% of the workforce. A commendable effort though I'd have aimed for at least 75%. Still one must start somewhere. Smithers are we due for another 'optimization' at the power plant?

The Stock Market! A Playground for the Rich… Like Me!

Kohl's shares rose a paltry 6% on the news. A mere trifle! But a fall of 52% this year? Disgraceful! The stock market is for making money not losing it. I shall have to invest… or perhaps short the stock. Decisions decisions. Smithers get me my portfolio. And a brandy. Stat!

First Quarter Losses? Inconceivable!

Losses per share you say? Twenty cents to twenty four cents? Unacceptable! A company should be raking in profits not wallowing in the red. Smithers remind me to never invest in Kohl's. Unless of course I can buy it for a song and then… improve its efficiency. Yes that has a certain ring to it!