Excellent JPMorgan Chase Sues Customers Over Infinite Money Glitch! Are YOU Next?

Release the Hounds! (Of Lawyers)

Bah! Those miserable money grubbing cretins! It seems JPMorgan Chase a bank that makes even *me* feel philanthropic has started cracking down on those who dared to exploit this so called 'infinite money glitch.' A glitch! As if I C. Montgomery Burns would ever allow such a thing at the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant! If I found a worker fiddling with the reactor for personal gain I'd simply unleash Smithers. And perhaps a few hounds. But instead JPMorgan Chase is unleashing lawyers on these scoundrels like the hounds to recover what's rightfully theirs. Excellent!

Pennies From Heaven? More Like Stolen From Hell!

Now while I usually only concern myself with matters involving billions it seems JPMorgan is deigning to pursue even the smallest fry – those who pilfered amounts under $75,000. Good! Every dollar counts especially when it's being pilfered from a reputable institution like… well like JPMorgan! Apparently this 'glitch,' a viral sensation on social media (those infernal devices!) allowed customers to withdraw funds from fraudulent checks before they bounced. The audacity! Reminds me of the time Homer Simpson tried to bilk me out of a donut. He got a stern talking to and a week of latrine duty! At least he didn't use an "infinite donut glitch"...

Georgia on My Mind (And In My Lawsuit)

One such case involves a masked miscreant in Georgia who deposited a fraudulent check for $73,000. A masked bandit I say! And then withdrew a whopping $82,500! In cash no less from Chase branches. $82,500! And now owes JPMorgan $57,847.69? An outrage! They should be forced to work off the debt by cleaning the streets with toothbrushes... or maybe just a nice swift kick to the backside.

From Sea to Shining Sea (Of Litigation)

The bank is spreading its legal woes across the country like a plague. Suits are being filed in Miami the Bronx and even Texas! Good! Let those swindlers know that JPMorgan Chase will not be trifled with. They're showing those dastardly criminals that they'll go to great lengths to recover every last penny! It's inspiring! Even I feel a twinge of… well something other than avarice. Perhaps admiration? No it's probably just indigestion.

Bankruptcy? Not If I Have Anything To Do With It!

And now these charlatans are trying to hide behind bankruptcy! As if that flimsy shield can protect them from the wrath of… well JPMorgan's legal team. The bank is considering challenging these filings arguing that debts acquired through fraud shouldn't be discharged. They are correct! Bankruptcy is for honest failures like my attempts to launch Mr. Burns' Home for Wayward Children. 'Release the robotic Richard Simmons!'...wait wrong plan.

The Moral of the Story

So what have we learned from all of this? Simple: don't mess with JPMorgan Chase! And more importantly don't even *think* about trying to pull a fast one on me C. Montgomery Burns. Or you'll find yourself swimming in a sea of legal fees and trust me that sea is far more polluted than the one surrounding my power plant. Now Smithers fetch me my checkbook. I feel like suing someone. Perhaps that blasted Simpson boy for breaking my window again!