Excellent! Durable Goods Soar as Trump's Tariffs Loom, Smithers!

A Surge Most Unexcccpected!

Good heavens! It appears the proles are panicking about these… tariffs. Apparently they've been snapping up so called 'durable goods' like those infernal machines they call 'automobiles' and those… appliances. All this before President Trump’s tariffs take full effect. Honestly it's as if they think I'm going to let them have anything nice! Smithers remind me to raise the price of everything at the Kwik E Mart… again.

Aircraft and Absurdity

Transportation equipment you say? Aircraft orders up a ludicrous 139%! Are these blithering idiots planning to flee the country? Or worse are they attempting to fly *over* my power plant to avoid paying their electricity bills? Smithers double the security on the grounds! No one gets a free ride especially not in a contraption that pollutes my air!

Unemployment? Bah!

And what's this about unemployment claims? Apparently they’ve risen slightly but are still within expected parameters. Ha! As if I care about the unemployed. They're just lazy layabouts leeching off the system. Perhaps a nice dose of union busting at the power plant will show them who's boss. Smithers draft a memo… one that rhymes.

The Fed and Their Follies

This 'Beige Book' nonsense from the Federal Reserve… Honestly it sounds like something I'd feed my hounds. They say companies are rushing to buy before the tariffs hit. 'Excellent!' as they say! Let them squabble for scraps like vultures over a carcass. I however shall remain aloof manipulating the market for my own personal gain.

Layoffs? A Mere Pruning

Trump’s 'efforts to slice the federal employment rolls'? He's merely trimming the fat! A commendable act! I myself have been known to… 'optimize' my workforce from time to time. Remember that company picnic? A few missing employees never hurt anyone... except perhaps them.

CNBC Pro LIVE? A Waste of Time!

This 'CNBC Pro LIVE'… what utter poppycock! Why would I waste my time with these so called 'experts'? I have more economic acumen in my little finger than they have in their entire symposium! I'd rather spend my afternoon counting my money and plotting the downfall of my enemies. Smithers cancel my appointment with the Money Guy. Play the 'Happy Birthday' song.