Excellent! Burns's Guide to Clobbering the Market (and Maybe a Few Unions While We're At It)

Smithers Prepare the Portfolio!

Ahoy hoy fellow robber barons! Montgomery Burns here ready to enlighten you on how to squeeze every last penny out of this… *gestures vaguely*… economy. Apparently some whippersnapper named Chris Grisanti thinks he knows a thing or two about where to stash your ill gotten gains. Let's see if he's worthy of being a distant second to me in the realm of financial chicanery.

AbbVie: Excellent… For Now

This 'AbbVie' eh? Seems they've managed to replace some drug called 'Humira' that lost its… *mumbles*… 'patent protection'. Good for them! It's all about adapting isn't it? Like when I adapted my power plant to run on… *checks notes*… slightly less dangerous nuclear waste. They're investing billions in new plants which means more jobs! And more jobs mean… well nothing good for the workers but excellent for my bottom line!

UnitedHealth: A Rare Gem?

Now this 'UnitedHealth' is currently in the 'penalty box' whatever that means. Sounds like a place I send Smithers when he misplaces my dentures. Apparently they're having trouble with… *squints*… 'higher than expected medical costs'. Ha! As if anyone *expects* healthcare to be affordable. But Grisanti thinks it's a 'rare chance' to buy cheap. A gamble yes but sometimes you have to roll the dice like when I bet Shelbyville Manhattan he couldn't build a better power plant... the fool!

Booking Holdings: Humbug!

And then there's this 'Booking Holdings'. Some sort of travel company. Travel! Honestly who has time for that? I have an empire to run! Grisanti says tariffs are going to hurt their earnings. Good. Let those vacationing layabouts learn a lesson. A recession is no time for leisure! Besides I'd rather spend my time plotting how to steal candy from babies than lounging on some beach.

Tariffs: The Only Good Kind are High

Speaking of tariffs I approve! Anything that makes it harder for those… *muttering*… 'foreigners' to compete with Burns Industries is a okay in my book. Why I remember back in '29 when I single handedly… well let's just say I've always understood the importance of a good old fashioned protectionist racket.

Release the Hounds... on Financial Security!

So there you have it. Grisanti's picks filtered through the genius of Montgomery Burns. Remember always invest with a cold heart and an eye for exploitation. And if you see a union organizer release the hounds! Excellent!