Excellent! Burns' Defensive Dividend Stock Picks To Leave You Saying "Release The Hounds!"

Smithers Who Let Adam Parker In?

Good heavens what's this? Apparently some fellow named Adam Parker from a so called 'Trivariate Research' is giving advice on where to park one's hard earned (or in my case inherited) capital. Volatility he says! Israel's airstrikes he wails! Honestly the dramatics! As if I haven't seen worse. Remember the Great Depression? Now *that* was a downturn. Still if it keeps the riffraff away from my precious treasury I suppose I'll humor him. He suggests 'defensive' stocks you say? Hmmm proceed...

The Old Ways are for Simpletons

He goes on about how traditional defensive stocks are 'broken'. What nonsense! Consumer staples? Essential! Pharmaceuticals? I practically own the patent on longevity! And telecoms? Who else are you going to call for your exorbitant bills? Nevertheless he suggests dividend paying equities. Dividend growth is the key mind you! 7% sales growth and 10% earnings growth apparently. I haven't seen numbers that good since I rigged the Springfield lottery! Excellent.

Microsoft: Because Even I Need Calculators

First on his list is Microsoft. Microsoft eh? Those nerdy fellows. But even *I* need my spreadsheets and whatnot. And that dividend yield! 0.70% you say? Paltry! But their stock is climbing higher than I did after stealing candy from a baby (that was fun). Buy rating? 8% upside? Very well Smithers add them to the portfolio. Just be sure to get me a good price. I won’t have those Gates boys outsmarting me.

Eli Lilly: For When I Need to Extend My Earthly Reign

Next Eli Lilly. Pharmaceuticals! Now we're talking. A 0.73% dividend yield? Acceptable. And they have some miracle drugs for... weight loss and diabetes? Good heavens are the common folk finally getting soft? Regardless if it lines my pockets then so be it. Buy rating and 21% upside? Smithers you know what to do. And be sure to get me a discount. I have no patience for haggling but I *do* love a good bargain.

Smoke 'Em If You've Got 'Em… And I Do

Philip Morris the tobacco giant is next. Ah tobacco! Good for the lungs good for the soul... and excellent for profits! A 2.93% yield? Now *that's* what I'm talking about! Especially their smoke free products. Anything that keeps the masses addicted I say! Add it to the list Smithers. And maybe buy a few extra shares for me personally. One must enjoy the fruits of one's investments eh?

NextEra Eaton: And the Rest

The rest are just utility companies and some aerospace fellows. NextEra Energy (3.03% yield) Eaton (1.29% yield). Utterly boring but apparently necessary. Smithers do the needful. Ensure they contribute to my ever growing wealth and for heaven's sake don't let them short circuit my nuclear power plant! I need that energy to stay... vital.