Bah Humbug! Will Trump's Tweets and Netflix Binge Ruin My Portfolio?!

Release the Hounds...On Wall Street!

Blast this infernal CNBC and their financial drivel! That nincompoop Jim Cramer is flapping his gums again babbling about market moving events next week. As if I C. Montgomery Burns need his advice! I have Smithers for that! Though I must admit the market has been more turbulent than my digestive system after a plate of tainted plutonium. It seems these days presidential pronouncements and Netflix binges hold more sway than a carefully crafted corporate strategy. Bah! Humbug!

Goldman Sachs? More Like Golden Showers...of Profit!

Cramer is particularly fixated on Goldman Sachs' earnings bleating about episodic business and downsizing efforts. Downsizing! Ha! I practically invented downsizing! Remember that picnic? Ah good times good times...Anyway Goldman is downsizing and I can just imagine how many of these young upstarts are being let go for a much younger model eh? I do say those young workers fresh to the market can often be 'excellent'! As for Goldman I'm not worried. They're like the shark from the sea constantly evolving and hunting for the next poor minnow of a company to devour.

Citigroup and Bank of America: A Tale of Two Disappointments

Then there's the tedious Citigroup and Bank of America both reporting earnings on Tuesday. Cramer seems optimistic about Citigroup predicting gains regardless. What utter poppycock! 'Gains regardless'? The man's a buffoon! Still he suspects that Bank of America will make good as of late how can I be bothered with that one? Frankly the only thing either of these banks make me want to do is take a nap.

Johnson & Johnson: Lawsuits and New Drugs Oh My!

The drug industry is proving to be a sticky wicket and I for one am not pleased. Johnson & Johnson is slated to report and Cramer will be 'looking for an update about the company's ongoing litigation.' Litigation! As if I don't have enough of my own. That darn Springfield keeps trying to sue me for this and that...and releasing the hounds...They haven't won yet! Smithers make sure my lawyers are on high alert. If Johnson & Johnson reveals big news about a new drug Cramer thinks the shares could rise. Hmm perhaps I should invest...or acquire them outright! Excellent!

Netflix and Chill? More Like Netflix and Billions!

And finally Netflix. That infernal streaming service! Apparently they're reporting earnings on Thursday after close. Cramer wants investors to 'study the streaming giant's earnings call.' Study it?! Why I have people for that! Though I must admit their ad tier subscription model does sound intriguing. Perhaps I should invest...or even better acquire them and force them to show only programming that caters to my refined tastes! Smithers look into acquiring this 'Netflix' company post haste. We need more shows about the Industrial Revolution.

Trump's Tweets: The True Villain of Wall Street?

Cramer seems to think that the 'endless drama' from the White House will overshadow any Netflix news. As if the President's ramblings could possibly affect my fortune! I am C. Montgomery Burns damn it! I have survived recessions depressions and even disco! However Smithers make a note to monitor the President's Twitter account. If he starts spouting nonsense that could affect the market alert the hounds. We may need to...persuade him to take a nap...a very very long nap. After all "power plant bad management RICH!"