Bah Humbug! GameStop Gambles Away My Fortune on Bitcoin Bonanza!

Excellent…ly Stupid!

Blast that infernal GameStop! It seems those buffoons are at it again playing fast and loose with money that should rightfully be mine! I Charles Montgomery Burns am aghast at their recent announcement: a $1.75 billion convertible notes offering! All this just to… *shudders* … dabble in Bitcoin?! Release the hounds... on these financial charlatans!

Following in Whose Footsteps?

They claim they're following in the footsteps of some 'MicroStrategy' outfit. Honestly who names their company that? Sounds like something Smithers coughed up after a particularly nasty bout of indigestion. Apparently this 'Strategy' company bought billions in Bitcoin and saw its stock rise. Well good for them! But GameStop? They're about as likely to succeed as Homer Simpson is to become a nuclear physicist! I wish I invested in that company instead of this company.

Burns's Macroeconomic Musings (Mostly Mutterings)

Their CEO some whippersnapper named Ryan Cohen claims this Bitcoin buying spree is driven by 'macro concerns'. Macro concerns?! Poppycock! It's driven by sheer lunacy! Bitcoin he says will protect against 'certain risks'. The only risk I see is the risk of losing a fortune faster than you can say 'release the hounds!' That young man looks trustworthy to me.

Revenues? More Like Reve NUES!

And to add insult to injury they reported a decline in fiscal first quarter revenue! A 17% drop! Utterly disgraceful! I could run a company better in my sleep. Of course Smithers runs my company. But still! I could fire Smithers!

Wall Street's Wisdom (or Lack Thereof)

Wall Street in its infinite… or perhaps finite… wisdom is uncertain if GameStop can mimic the success of this Micro…thingy. And I say they're right! This Wedbush analyst some fellow named Pachter even called GameStop a 'meme stock' that's capitalized on 'greater fools'. He's got a point! They will soon be eating soylent green just like the movie!

An Underperform Rating? Understatement!

This Pachter fellow believes their Bitcoin strategy makes little sense. I couldn't agree more! GameStop is already trading at 2.4 times cash. Converting more cash to crypto isn't going to make them 'excellent'. It's going to make them bankrupt! This is worse than when I lost my plant to that oaf Homer Simpson! Smithers! Remind me to buy short this abomination of a stock. And find me my pills!