Cramer's Crystal Ball! Will Trump's Tweets or Netflix's Numbers Rule the Market?!

Tariffs and Truth Social: A Witcher's Nightmare

Hmph. Another week another mess. Seems this Jim Cramer fellow is pulling his hair out over the same things that keep me up at night – only instead of ghouls and drowners he's battling… tariffs and presidential pronouncements. He says the White House is throwing things at investors at all hours. Sounds like dealing with a striga only the striga at least has the decency to stick to midnight. As I always say 'Evil is evil. Lesser greater middling… Makes no difference.' Unless that evil can tank my potion investments then it's definitely greater evil.

Banking on Bandits...I Mean Banks

Goldman Sachs Citigroup Bank of America. Names that sound more like bandit gangs than financial institutions. Cramer seems to think Goldman Sachs will do well mostly because they're firing people. 'Downsizing efforts,' he calls it. Reminds me of thinning out a nest of Arachas. Necessary but never pretty. Citigroup's stock will see gains regardless he says! Bank of America will have decent earnings! Let's hope he's right because right now I'm invested in 100 shares of all 3. But I'm skeptical. I've learned never to trust a coin clipper... or a banker.

Potions and Pills: A Witcher's Portfolio

Drug stocks eh? Tricky business this. Cramer says Johnson & Johnson is one to watch. They got 'ongoing litigation'. Sounds like a fancy way of saying they're in the muck up to their ears. He thinks their shares might rise if they announce a new drug. Hmm I've heard that one before! So what is the company going to announce? 'The cure for baldness'? I would invest everything I have if I heard that.

Retail Sales: Spending Like a Drunken Dwarf

Apparently Walmart Amazon and Costco are doing well. Cramer thinks retail sales numbers will be strong. Well that's hardly surprising. People always seem to have coin to throw around even when there's a griffin circling overhead. Makes me wonder if I'm in the wrong profession. Maybe I should start selling swords and armor online. 'Witcher Gear Guaranteed to Slay Both Monsters and Boredom!'

Chips Health and Plastic: A Mixed Bag

Taiwan Semiconductor...UnitedHealth...American Express. A semiconductor company a health provider and a purveyor of plastic cards. Cramer calls UnitedHealth a 'universal buy.' Universal eh? So you're telling me even a Leshen would buy it? Doubtful. 'Amex' will have a strong quarter he says but the stock will trade badly. Go figure. I know monsters easier than I know stocks! Maybe I will stick to what I know.

Netflix and Chill? More Like Netflix and Panic!

Ah Netflix. Cramer wants folks to study their earnings call. Apparently their ad tier subscription model is 'lucrative.' Sounds about right. People will pay for anything these days. I do not know too much about Netlix. I am only just learning about Television. But I am enjoying the series about 'The Witcher' the main actor is quite handsome but I do believe I am better looking. The sad part is they say 'endless drama' from the White House will overshadow any Netflix news. Sounds like a typical Tuesday in Temeria.