Interest Rate Apocalypse Now Stock Market Doom Predicted!

Hail to the Strategist Baby!

Alright babes and bros Duke Nukem here ready to drop some truth bombs on this whole financial fiasco. So this Ellen Zentner chick from Morgan Stanley she's saying the Fed ain't gonna bail out the stock market. Seems like they're too busy channeling their inner '70s disco nightmares terrified of inflation. As if disco wasn't scary enough! The S&P 500 might just tank to 4,600. Looks like someone's gonna have to kick ass and chew bubblegum and I'm all outta gum...and so is your investment apparently time to get some!

Tariffs: Come Get Some!

Trump's playing hardball with these tariffs. He's saying 'Come get some!' which is cool. But Zentner says it might backfire. She's saying the U.S. is losing its 'exceptionalism shine.' Which is a fancy way of saying we're not the top dog anymore? That's just great more crap for me to clean up after. 'Nobody steals our freedom!'... or our money. The irony!

The Fed: I'm All Outta Bubblegum

The Fed's just sitting on their hands saying the data is 'okay.' 'Okay'? My ass! My savings are starting to look like they've been through a blender. Investors are hoping for rate cuts like I hope for a lifetime supply of babes but it looks like we're both gonna be disappointed. Maybe it's time to nuke the entire system and start over eh?

S&P 500: Groovy

So this S&P 500 could drop another 7%. Ouch. Zentner's saying the only way to stop it is if Trump surrenders. 'Hah what a waste of ammo!' as if that is gonna happen! So buckle up boys and girls it's gonna be a bumpy ride. Maybe I should invest in a good rollercoaster instead. At least that way I know I'm getting screwed for fun.

Reciprocal Tariffs: Shake It Baby!

These 'reciprocal' tariffs are set to kick in with some Chinese imports facing a whopping 104% tax. 'Shake it baby!' right outta the bank! Zentner thinks this will cause capital to flow out of the U.S. Which means less money for babes and bullets. This is getting serious.

CNBC Pro LIVE: Time to Kill!

And if you're looking for answers CNBC's hosting a 'Pro LIVE' event at the New York Stock Exchange. 'What are you waiting for Christmas?' Go get your 'expert insights' but don't expect miracles. Sometimes the only solution is a swift kick to the economy's gonads. Duke Nukem out!