Has America Lost Its Mojo? Investors Are Ditching US Assets Like Yesterday's Hail to the King Baby!

Hail to the Chief... Or Not?

Alright you primitive screwheads listen up! Neel Kashkari from the Minneapolis Fed is squawking about how our fearless leader's trade shenanigans are turning off investors. Apparently the dollar's doing a nosedive and Treasury yields are going through the roof. Kashkari says it looks like people ain't seeing America as the safest playground anymore. What do you mean 'I ain't afraid of no tariffs'?! This is serious business folks. We gotta keep our economy strong or we're all gonna be sucking hind tit!

Tariffs? I'll Swallow Your Tariff and Spit it Back at You!

This whole tariff tango is supposed to make the dollar strut its stuff right? But Kashkari's saying the opposite is happening. The greenback's got the blues dropping faster than my one liners after a boss fight. Is this 'shift in investor preferences' real or is everyone just being a bunch of pansies? Either way it's got me itching to grab my shotgun and start blastin' some sense into these markets.

Bond Yields: Come Get Some!

Treasury yields are surging like I'm on steroids after Trump threatened everyone with a 10% tariff. At the same time the dollar's slumping faster than a pig on a trampoline. Kashkari's got his panties in a bunch because investors might be thinking America ain't the hottest ticket anymore. Well maybe we just need to remind them who's the king of the castle. Time to show these pencil pushers who's boss!

America: Still My Home But Is It Your Honey?

Kashkari's yammering about how investors have always seen America as the bee's knees and that's why we've got a trade deficit. But now he says those same investors might be packing their bags. If the trade deficit shrinks it could mean everyone's ditching us for greener pastures. Well if that's the case I've got two words for 'em: 'Suck it down!' America's still the greatest even if we're going through a rough patch.

Stressed But Not Broken... Yet

Alright alright Kashkari admits he's seeing some 'stresses' in the market but nothing catastrophic. So we're not totally screwed... yet. He's focused on keeping inflation in check just like all the other suits. They're all waiting for the dust to settle before they make any big moves with interest rates. Meanwhile I'm over here wondering when I can get back to kicking ass and taking names.

CNBC Pro LIVE: Want to Go Balls to the Wall With Finance?

Hold on to your hats folks! CNBC's throwing a party at the New York Stock Exchange on June 12. If you're a CNBC Pro subscriber you can rub elbows with experts like Carter Worth Dan Niles and Dan Ives. Plus Tom Lee will be yapping about something important. It's an 'exclusive inaugural event' – whatever that means. Tickets are limited so if you're into that kind of stuff go nuts! Me? I'll be busy saving the world... or at least looking damn good while doing it.