Hail to the King, Baby! Tesla's Robotaxis Roll Out in Texas!

Groovy Ride or a Highway to Hell?

Alright you primitive screwheads listen up! Duke Nukem here reporting live from the future... or at least what Elon Musk *thinks* is the future. Tesla's finally unleashing those robotaxis everyone's been talking about in Austin Texas starting June 22nd. The first poor sap... I mean *lucky customer*... gets a driverless ride from the factory on June 28th. Sounds like a vacation in hell but hey maybe they'll have strippers and blackjack. What? Too soon?

Model Y? More Like Model Why Bother?

So instead of the sleek CyberCab we were promised these guinea pigs are riding around in Model Ys. Not exactly the babe magnet I was expecting. And get this it's 'invitation only.' Like some exclusive club where the only perk is risking your life for a billionaire's ego trip. They're also keeping these robo rides in a 'geofenced' area and some poor sap will be watching from a remote location just in case things go south. Hail to the king baby... of safety precautions!

Been There Nuked That!

Musk has been flapping his gums about driverless cars since 2019 promising a 2020 launch. Yeah right. I've seen more reliable promises coming from strippers. But hey this time he *swears* it's happening. Ten cars initially cruising Austin checking if "things are going well." If that is the case I'll eat my gum! Wall Street's wetting their pants predicting a 'golden era of autonomous' for Tesla potentially doubling their market cap. Seems like a bit too optimistic of a golden shower but hey money talks and bullshit walks.

Roadblocks Ahead Baby!

But hold your horses! It ain't all sunshine and roses. Turns out some killjoys in Texas politics are suggesting to hold up the launch until September 1st when the new self driving laws come into play. They want Tesla to prove they're not gonna turn Austin into a real life *Carmageddon*. And get this The Dawn Project a tech safety group staged a demo where a Tesla Model Y ran over a mannequin dressed as a kid. Talk about a public relations nightmare! "This software does not know how to recognize a school bus," they said. Sounds like someone needs to go back to driving school! Or maybe just stay off the damn road.

Tesla Under Fire? I Know That Feeling!

Tesla's been taking hits lately. Sales are down and Musk's political shenanigans ain't helping. Apparently being buddy buddy with Trump has turned some folks off. Showrooms getting torched cars vandalized... sounds like a slow Tuesday in my world but I digressed! Even his relationship with Trump went south after Musk criticized the ex president's spending bill. Oops! Looks like somebody's gonna get a spanking. Meanwhile sales in Europe are tanking and competition is heating up. Tough luck Tesla. Time to kick ass and chew bubblegum... and you're all outta gum!

Optimus Prime Rib?

Musk's also babbling about 'insatiable' demand for Optimus robots. Seriously? People can barely handle the robotaxis and now he wants to unleash a whole army of metal morons? Sounds like a plot from one of my games! Guess I'll have to dust off my shotgun and show those bots who's boss. Game on!