Hail to the Debt, Baby! GOP's Student Loan Plan Looks Like a Real Kick in the Groin

They're Messin' With My Education!

Alright you primitive screwheads listen up! Duke Nukem here reporting live from the front lines of the student debt apocalypse. The GOP those guys who think cutting taxes is the answer to everything are trying to 'fix' the student loan system. Looks like they're about to drop a bomb on every poor sap trying to get a degree without ending up poorer than a Church Mouse. Their 'One Big Beautiful Bill' – yeah real original – aims to make some seriously HUGE changes. And by 'huge,' I mean 'hugely screwed for you the borrower!' This is worse than facing down the Cycloid Emperor on an empty stomach!

Fewer Plans Bigger Bills: Groovy?

So here's the deal. Instead of a buffet of repayment plans they're serving up a Happy Meal: two choices. Standard repayment or the 'Repayment Assistance Plan' (RAP). Sounds helpful right? WRONG! It's more like a trap! Payments could range from 1% to 10% of your income but get this – there's a minimum of $10. Ten freakin' dollars? That's like spitting in the face of someone drowning in debt. And some 'expert' is saying a typical student could pay almost $3,000 MORE per year than with the Biden plan! I'd rather fight aliens with a spork than deal with that crap!

Forgiveness? Forget About It!

Thinking of getting your loans forgiven? Ha! These guys are dragging that finish line further away than a stripper dodging my advances. Standard repayment? Could be up to 25 years depending on how deep in the hole you are. And RAP? Get ready to be paying until you're drawing Social Security – 30 YEARS! That's longer than it takes to get a PhD in 'Alien Ass Kicking'! By then you'll be so old you'll forget what you even studied. Time to nuke 'em!

No Pauses No Breaks: Time to Grind!

Oh and here's the kicker. Remember those sweet deferments for when you're unemployed or broke? Gone! Vamoose! Sayonara suckers! The GOP wants to ditch 'em like a used shotgun shell. So if you lose your job tough luck! Keep paying or they'll come after you like the Lizar King after a power up. Without those breaks people are gonna default faster than you can say 'Hail to the King baby!' It's just criminal I tell ya!

It's About the Money Honey!

These politicians claim it's about saving money. But it sounds like one of those shady strip club schemes. One of these debt advocates Astra Taylor says it's just "funny math that justifies tax cuts." In other words they're robbing Peter to pay Paul – and Peter's a broke college grad. Makes me wanna grab my shrink ray and turn these guys into tiny easily puntable versions of themselves!

What Now? Time to Kick Ass and Chew Bubblegum (and Maybe Protest)

So there you have it. The GOP's student loan plan is like a punch in the face to anyone trying to get ahead. Longer debt fewer options and zero mercy. It's time to tell these guys 'Your ass your face – what's the difference?!' Get informed get loud and let's make sure this crap doesn't become law. Duke's out – gotta go reload my shotgun and prepare for the next battle. And remember: I'm here to kick ass and chew bubblegum and I'm all outta gum... and patience for this bullcrap!