Hail to the Chief... Negotiator? Trump vs. Xi: This Deal Ain't Gonna Sign Itself!

Groovy a Trade War?

Alright you primitive screwheads listen up! The big boss Trump is saying making a deal with China's Xi is tougher than ripping a pig cop's head off! And believe me I know tough. Apparently these two titans of trade are having a bit of a standoff. Looks like someone needs to kick ass and chew bubblegum... and I'm all outta gum.

Talk is Cheap Unless You're Talking Trade

Word on the street – or rather from some White House whisperer – is that Trump and Xi *might* chat this week. Might. Sounds about as solid as a stripper's promise. Treasury Secretary Bessent says things are stalled meaning these two need to get their asses in gear. Time to stop playing tourist and start saving the world... economy!

Truth Social Truth Bombs

Trump bless his heart took to Truth Social to vent. "I like President XI of China always have and always will but he is VERY TOUGH AND EXTREMELY HARD TO MAKE A DEAL WITH!!!" Sounds like someone needs a little R&R... Rest and Relaxation! I hear ya big guy. Dealing with stubborn enemies? That's my Tuesday.

Blame Game: China Strikes Back

Both sides are pointing fingers like they're auditioning for a Marx Brothers flick. Seems a deal made in Switzerland went south faster than a politician's promise. China's dragging its feet on rare earths and the US is cramping China's style with tech restrictions. It's like watching a bad buddy cop movie except with higher stakes and less witty banter. Or is it?

Visa Troubles Visa Schmoubles

And just when you thought it couldn't get any messier the US is pulling visas from Chinese students. China's Foreign Minister Wang Yi is throwing shade saying these moves are based on 'groundless reasons.' Someone needs to chill with a big bucket of ice cream... and maybe a few alien babes. Now that's how you negotiate!

Trust Issues: This Is How It All Ends

The Chinese are trying to make it look like Trump's itching for a chat but analysts say Xi ain't picking up the phone unless he knows there won't be any surprises. No one likes surprises unless they involve strippers and copious amounts of booze. Ambassador Perdue is playing nice but let's face it this whole situation is messier than a night at the Kitty Kat Lounge. Maybe it's time to nuke 'em. Just kidding!