H&M's Sales Get a 'Hail to the King, Baby!' Boost, But Tariffs Want to Steal Our Groovy Threads!

Damn They Got a Pulse!

Alright ladies and gentlemen Duke Nukem here reporting live from the front lines of the fashion wars! Seems like H&M yeah that Swedish clothes peddler just got a freakin' pulse! Sales are up 3% in June. I guess people finally realized they were tired of lookin' like extras from a zombie flick.

Consumers are Being Cautious?? What Is This a Library?

But hold on to your asses folks 'cause there's trouble brewin'. These "uncertain times" have got people actin' all squirrely with their wallets. Apparently everyone's suddenly a freakin' bargain hunter. 'Come get some!'... deals that is. Sheesh lighten up people you only live once. Go buy that leather jacket damn it!

Tariffs? Looks Like Someone's About to Get Nuked!

And then there's the damn tariffs. U.S. trade tariffs they're monitoring developments and considering price hikes. It's always somethin' ain't it? As if fighting alien bastards wasn't enough now I gotta worry about my freakin' threads costin' more. 'Nobody steals our chicks... or our cheap clothes!'.

H&M is Watching Prices How About They Make Some Better Clothes Instead?

CEO Daniel Erver says H&M is "looking into" price increases to stay competitive. Well here's a thought Danny boy: how about makin' clothes that don't fall apart after one wash? Just a freakin' suggestion pal.

Store Closures? Time to Reload!

Oh and get this: they're closin' 200 stores in 2025 mostly in places that already exist while openin' 80 new ones in 'growth markets.' Sounds like they're gettin' ready to kick some ass... in a whole new zip code! I wish them luck but I also wish them to create clothes that don't fall apart after the first wash...

Retail Apocalypse Now? Not on My Watch!

The report says retail is the 'most distressed sector in Europe.' Well I say 'hail to the king baby!' Duke's gonna keep buyin' stuff no matter what the damn commies... uh I mean economists say. Time to strap on my boots and show these retailers what a real consumer looks like. Now where's that credit card...?