Apple and Meta: Hail to the Kings, Baby! (But Watch Out for That Stanley Tool)

These are OUR Kind of Stocks

Alright you primitive screwheads listen up! Duke Nukem is here to drop some wisdom on your sorry asses about the stock market. Seems some pencil pushing analyst named Ari Wald is yapping about Apple (AAPL) and Meta Platforms (META). And guess what? Duke agrees. These companies? They're like me – here to stay and kick ass. "Groovy," as that chainsaw wielding guy would say. The Man I love this Job!

Apple: Still Got It Even with Those Tariff Troubles

So Apple's stock jumped 'cause the US and China are playing nice with tariffs for a bit. Good for them. Less taxes means more money for bigger guns right? But hold on the Wall Street Journal says they might raise iPhone prices. What is this I thought bigger is always better but higher prices?! But Wald thinks Apple's still a good long term bet. I gotta agree. Even when they stumble they get back up and say 'Come get some!' Plus the girls love iPhones. Its just a matter of time until they start making actual weapons

Meta: Lookin' Good Feelin' Good

Meta that's Zuckerberg's playground for stalkers – I mean 'connecting people'. But they're raking in cash from ads in China so who am I to judge? Wald thinks Meta looks even better than Apple in the short term. Says it's moving up in the 'momentum ranks.' Momentum? I like the sound of that. Kind of like my jetpack always ready for action always ready to go BANG!

Stanley Black & Decker: Don't Bet on This One Pal

Now this Wald guy is talking about Stanley Black & Decker. Some tool company. Their stock jumped big time but Wald says SELL! He thinks it's a trap. I'm with him. "I want stuff that I can hold for the long run." You know like babes booze and big guns. Not some rusty old wrench.

Duke's Hot Tip: Invest Like You Mean It

Bottom line? Apple and Meta those are solid investments. They're like a well oiled chaingun – reliable and deadly! But stay away from Stanley Black & Decker. That's like bringing a Nerf gun to a real firefight. "What are you waiting for? Christmas?" Get out there and make some money so you can afford all the things that REALLY matter.

Hail to the King Baby

So there you have it. Duke Nukem's stock market advice. Remember invest wisely kick ass and always have a one liner ready. And if the market crashes? Well I'll be busy blowing up aliens and saving the world. "Nobody steals our freedom without a fight!"