Is This a Bull Trap?! Market Rally Has Everyone Sweating!

Hold Up... Another Rally?!

Alright alright alright what is going on dudes? So the market's up again huh? Another freakin' volatile session? Sounds about right. The S&P 500 trying to pull a fast one after that tariff beatdown earlier this month. But hold your horses chat because it dipped into the red midday. Red I tell ya! Investors are about as calm as I am when I'm trying to dodge taxes – uneasy as hell.

Market Lows and the Prophecy of the Retest

Bank of America's Paul Ciana is out here saying we might need to retest the lows before things get real. Retest! Like we're back in school. He's all like "Past bear markets suggest an approximate retest..." Sounds fancy right? But basically he's saying "Don't get cocky kid!" It's like when you think you've downed the entire bottle of Jack and then you wake up in a dumpster. Happened to a friend of a friend. Definitely wasn't me.

Death Cross Incoming! (Cue Dramatic Music)

Oh but it gets worse. Ciana's talking about a "death cross." A DEATH CROSS! Sounds like something out of a Final Fantasy game. Apparently when the 50 day moving average crosses the 200 day average and the 200 day average is FALLING... It's bad news bears. Historically it means the next 15 to 20 trading days are gonna be rougher than my hairline. Just gotta accept it man. What are you gonna do?

Tariffs Tariffs Everywhere!

Mark Gibbens from BOK Financial is reminding us that the tariff situation is still a dumpster fire. We've got 10% tariffs on basically everyone Chinese tariffs jacked up to 145% and 25% non USMCA tariffs on Canada and Mexico. Like what in the actual F man? Trump's been hinting at some relief but it's like putting a band aid on a gunshot wound. "A little hot water will fix you right up."

Range Bound? More Like Rage Bound!

Lisa Shalett from Morgan Stanley Wealth Management is saying the S&P 500 will be "range bound" between 4,900 and 5,700 until August or September. Range bound? Sounds like a fancy way of saying we're stuck in the freakin' mud. She's telling us to avoid "knee jerk reactions." Easier said than done when your portfolio is looking like my dating life am I right?

The Bottom Line: Don't Be a Moron

Look I'm not a financial advisor. I'm just a dude with a computer and a crippling addiction to Mountain Dew. But here's my take: Stay frosty chat. This market's got more twists and turns than a Kardashian marriage. Do your research don't panic sell and for the love of God don't yolo your life savings into Dogecoin. And as always stay bald.