Amazon CEO Says Tariffs? No Problem! AI Robots Incoming! Prepare for the Singularity... and Slightly Cheaper Stuff?

Tariffs? What Tariffs?

Alright alright settle down chat! So CNBC had a little pow wow with Amazon's head honcho Andy Jassy. Apparently all this tariff nonsense from... you know who... isn't really messing with Amazon's flow. They were all like 'We did a lot of forward buying several months ago'. Forward buying? Is that even legal? It's like they're playing 4D chess while we're all stuck in checkers. I'm starting to think I should just put all my money in Amazon stock at this rate...but don't take my financial advice because I'm an idiot. I just sit in my room all day playing video games. Speaking of which anyone know when Diablo 4 season 5 is dropping?

The Free Market Baby!

Jassy's boasting about Amazon having like two million sellers. Two MILLION! That's more people than live in some small countries! He figures even if some greedy goblins try to jack up prices because of the tariffs plenty of others will be like 'Nah I'll undercut them and steal their customers!' Which let's be real is how it SHOULD work! The free market. Survival of the fittest. Only the strong survive. Wait a minute...is Jeff Bezos still the CEO of Amazon? The name Andy Jassy sounds fake. I don't trust it.

AI: The "Most Transformative Technology of Our Lifetime"

Okay buckle up because here comes the scary part. Jassy called AI 'the most transformative technology of our lifetime.' He's basically saying that AI is the second coming...or maybe the anti christ. Either way it's a BIG deal. He says companies have two choices: either embrace the robot overlords or get crushed by them. And surprise surprise Amazon's all in on the robots. Get ready for Skynet but instead of Terminators you get same day delivery.

Less Work More Play? Don't Hold Your Breath

Oh and get this: Jassy also said that AI will mean LESS work for Amazon employees. LESS WORK! Can you believe the audacity of this guy? He's basically saying "Don't worry robots are taking your jobs but it'll be great! You'll all be able to 'start every task at a more advanced starting spot'." What does that even mean? It sounds like some corporate jargon that I'd have to sit through 30 hours a week in meetings to explain. No thanks. I'd rather play Final Fantasy.

Robots in Every Home? Time to Invest in Dusters

But here's the kicker: Jassy thinks we'll all have ROBOTS in our homes in the next ten years! Robots! Like Rosie from The Jetsons but probably programmed to sell you more stuff on Amazon. "I think you'll see that really great personal assistants like Alexa will be inside these robots and she'll be able to help you quite a bit inside your home." That sounds terrifying. Alexa already knows too much. And I don't want some creepy robot judging my gaming setup...or the fact that I haven't cleaned my room in three months. This is why I don't go outside.

Get Ready for the Future (Whether You Like It Or Not)

So there you have it folks. Amazon's dodging tariffs embracing AI and wants to put a robot in your living room. I don't know about you but I'm both excited and terrified. On one hand maybe the robots will finally clean my room for me. On the other hand maybe they'll decide that humans are obsolete and turn us into batteries. Either way it's gonna be an interesting decade. I guess I should start brushing up on my robot etiquette...or maybe just build a bunker in my basement. I don't know. My brain is fried. Time to play some more Elden Ring.