Jerome Powell Just Said WHAT About Trump's Tariffs!?!

Wubba Lubba Dub Dub the Economy's Screwed!

Alright Morty listen up. It's your old pal Rick here ready to dissect this latest load of garbage spewed by that suit wearing dullard Jerome Powell. Apparently he yapped his yap at some 'Society for Advancing Business Editing and Writing' thingy. Sounds thrilling right? Anyway he's talking tariffs and the Fed's playing the 'wait and see' game. Which in my expert opinion is about as useful as a screen door on a spaceship. Do these guys even know what they're doing? Probably not. I've seen smarter lifeforms in a petri dish. And Morty they weren't pretty believe me. "Time to get Schwifty!"

Trump's Tariff Tango: A Galactic Clusterf*ck

So Trumpy dump's slapping tariffs on everything right? Like a toddler armed with a sticker book and a superiority complex. Powell's all like 'Oh we're watching closely.' Watching?! Morty the house is on fire! You don't 'watch' a house fire you grab a freaking hose... or you know hop dimensions like I would. But these guys? Nah they're too busy polishing their monocles and debating the merits of artisanal toast. Talk about being slow and it's not even slow slow more like reverse time slow. "Grasssss... tastes bad!"

Interest Rates: Lower Than My Tolerance for Bureaucracy

Apparently they held the interest rate steady back in March. Groundbreaking stuff really. It's like deciding to leave the engine running while the car's sinking in quicksand. Markets are betting on rate cuts like four or five this year. Smart move Morty. Panic is always a good investment strategy. Just kidding! Unless...? No don't listen to me I'm a mad scientist who regularly drinks pickle juice. "Nobody exists on purpose nobody belongs anywhere everybody's gonna die. Come watch TV?"

JPMorgan's Doom Clock: Tick Tock Motherf*ckers!

Oh and JPMorgan's upping the ante too. They're saying there's a 60% chance of a recession this year! Sixty percent! That's like almost certain in Rick years. Which are inversely proportional to the stability of the multiverse. So basically we're screwed. Get ready to huddle around a flaming trash can and eat rats Morty. It'll build character. And probably give you space rabies. "And that's the wayyyyy the news goes!"

The Fed: Saving Grace or Just a Useless Layer of Bureaucracy?

CNBC's saying the Fed's unlikely to save us from the tariff turmoil. No freakin' kidding! The Fed's about as useful as a poopy diaper at a swimsuit competition. They're bureaucrats Morty! Bureaucrats in expensive suits. They'll sit around and discuss 'policy implications' while the whole freaking universe implodes. "Uncertainty is inherently unsustainable. Eventually everything either is or isn't."

Get Your Sh*t Together (Or Don't Whatever)

So what's the takeaway Morty? Simple. The economy's a mess Trump's playing with fire and the Fed's fiddling with its thumbs. Time to invest in gold canned goods and a good portal gun. Or you know just binge watch interdimensional cable and forget about it all. Your choice. Either way don't come crying to me when the apocalypse hits. "Wubba Lubba Dub Dub! That's what I always say!" (Which by the way means 'I am in great pain please help me.')