Bah Humbug! Britain's Crypto Dreams: A Crushing Blow to Progress, Excellent!

A Dire Warning from Crypto Cranks

Blast this infernal news! Apparently some so called 'fintech' and 'cryptocurrency' entrepreneurs are threatening to abandon our beloved Britain all because of a few… regulations? Honestly the audacity! These whippersnappers need to learn a thing or two about respecting authority and more importantly about lining *my* pockets! They say the UK's regulator is too strict and the pension funds are too 'risk averse'. Risk averse I say! What's life without a little risk? I built my empire on risk and a healthy dose of… shall we say 'creative accounting'. These youngsters wouldn't know a good gamble if it bit them on their… well you get the idea.

The U.K. is Falling Behind? Nonsense!

Jaidev Janardana this CEO of Zopa dares to suggest that the U.S. and even *gasp* Singapore and Hong Kong are outpacing us in innovation? Preposterous! Why back in my day innovation meant finding new and exciting ways to exploit my workers. I invented the twelve hour workday and nobody complained... much. But seriously! It's not as though the British government is a group of chimpanzees! Oh wait...

Funding? What's Funding?

Tim Levene this venture capital fellow whines about a lack of funding. Boo hoo! Perhaps if these entrepreneurs spent less time with their 'blockchain' and 'crypto assets' and more time groveling at my feet I might consider loosening the purse strings. But as it stands I think I'll invest in something a bit more… tangible. Like a new wing for my mansion or perhaps a lifetime supply of rum ham for Smithers.

Brexit Woes or Opportunity Knocks?

Lisa Jacobs blames Brexit for talent shortages. Good! Fewer people means lower wages! Although I must admit finding qualified nuclear technicians has become a bit of a headache. Still I’d say ‘Out with the old in with the exploited!’ We can't rest on our laurels?! Says you young lady! I will rest on my laurels and drink my prune juice if I want to!

Stablecoins? Sounds Unstable to Me

Stablecoins you say? Mark Fairless wants regulatory clarity before launching one? Sounds like a load of hooey to me. If they want stablecoins they should look to the only stable thing there is: my bank account! Besides if it’s got the word “coin” in it it can't be all that good. I never trusted that two faced Lincoln. He was always out to get me. And those crypto enthusiasts think the FCA is too restrictive eh? Well I'll tell you what's restrictive: my grip on Springfield's economy!

Debanking? More Like De Profiting!

Debanking! The horror! Keith Grose head of U.K. at Coinbase claims crypto companies are being denied bank accounts. Well good! Serves them right for dabbling in these digital whatsits. You can't build the future of the financial system without a level playing field? Well tough! The financial system is *my* playing field and I make the rules. And by 'rules' I mean loopholes of course excellent!