Dudes, My Bank Account's Crying: Gap's Drip is Drowning, While Ulta's Got Me Looking Like a Million Gold!

Gap's Getting Gapped! (In a Bad Way)

Alright alright alright listen up you beautiful baldies! Gap? More like Crap am I right? This apparel stock tanked harder than my DPS in a Mythic raid after a night of… "research." A 16% drop because their Q2 revenue guidance is flatter than my hairline. I mean come on Gap you're supposed to be making clothes not excuses! They're expecting basically no growth while analysts were hoping for at least *some* growth. I'm telling you dudes this is the kind of news that makes me wanna slam my desk and yell "Content!"... but like in a disappointed way.

Costco: Still Selling Toilet Paper in Bulk Still Making Bank

Costco on the other hand is still chugging along like a well oiled machine. They beat expectations but the stock barely moved. Probably because everyone's too busy stocking up on industrial sized bags of chips and TP to notice. I mean who doesn't love Costco? It's the only place you can buy a year's supply of mayonnaise and a new TV at the same time. But hey good for them they beat those analysts. They're always wrong anyways like that one time they said WoW was dying. PepeLaugh

Dell's Doing Dell Things: Printing Money

Dell? Yeah they're still around. Apparently they beat revenue expectations and raised their full year guidance. Good for them. I guess people are still buying computers. Probably to watch my streams so thanks Dell! Keep those frames high and the content flowing! I got say it feels good man the numbers are up so I will keep on keeping on as I say always.

Ulta Beauty: Making Me Beautiful (Or at Least Trying To)

Ulta Beauty though *now* we're talking! Up 8%! They crushed earnings and revenue expectations. Maybe I should invest in some of their products. I mean a man's gotta maintain his… *presence* right? They made tons of money. They’re just sitting there raking in the dough. I’m thinking I need to get some Ulta so I can get that hairline looking pristine brother. No receding hairlines over here. I gotta start buying products from them. Keep up the good work fellas!

American Eagle: More Like American Fail gle

Oof American Eagle Outfitters? Not looking good. They lost more money than expected. Maybe they should try selling… I don't know… *clothes people actually want to wear*? Just a thought. They’re just a sad company. Maybe they need to be bought out or go bankrupt. Just stop while you’re ahead right?

The Rest of 'Em: A Quick and Dirty Rundown

Elastic NV? Down because their revenue outlook sucked. PagerDuty? Same deal earnings outlook missed. Zscaler? Up because they're doing cybersecurity stuff which is always in demand. UiPath? Skyrocketing because automation is the future baby! NetApp? Down because their earnings outlook is trash. So there you have it folks. The stock market a rollercoaster of emotions and financial ruin... or glory. You know it's all just RNG baby. Just gotta pray to the algorithm gods. It’s just a bunch of numbers. I’m out. I’m just gonna go gamble!