Wubba Lubba Dub-Dub! Chime's IPO: More Like Chump Change... Or Is It?

Another IPO? Oh Geez...

Alright alright settle down Mortys. So Chime this 'disruptive' banking app thingy went public. Priced at $27 a share valuing them at burrrrp $11.6 billion. Now I wouldn't touch this with a thirty foot pole but SOME people seem to think it's the next big thing. They raised like $700 million plus some existing investors unloaded their baggage for another $165 million. Good for them. Probably gonna use it to buy more Szechuan sauce I bet.

Fintech Thaw? More Like Fintech Fart.

Apparently the IPO market's been colder than a Glar in Pluto's butthole for years. Rising interest rates valuation resets...blah blah blah. Now that eToro and Circle popped – because you know *everyone* trusts crypto – suddenly it's a free for all? Please. Klarna's crying over quarterly losses and Chime's like 'Hold my beer!' This whole thing smells like a Cronenberg. I'm keeping my galactic credits far far away. You hear that Morty? *Far away*.

Valuation Vomit

So Chime got its valuation slashed like in half from its private market peak. $25 billion down to $11.6 billion? Ouch. SoftBank Tiger Global Sequoia… they all got schwifty in the 2021 round. Now they're probably regretting it more than Summer regrets her choices in dating. DST Global and Crosslink Capital are holding the bag with 17% and 9.5% respectively hoping this doesn't turn into another Blips and Chitz disaster. *burp*.

No Fees? More Like Hidden Fees from the 4th Dimension!

Chime's schtick is no fee banking debit cards and getting your paycheck two days early. Sounds great for you simpletons but they make their money on interchange fees. They're competing with the big boys: PayPal Square SoFi... It's a dog eat dog world Morty and these guys are all Cerberus. Don't get caught in the middle. You'll end up like Mr. Poopybutthole.

Revenue Rhapsody (of Crap)

Okay fine their revenue went up 32% to $518.7 million. Net income shrunk a bit from $15.9 million to $12.9 million. Big whoop. Numbers are for nerds Morty! And accountants I guess. But mostly nerds. They will try to sell you the dream. Don't fall for it. You’ve gotta grab life by the balls and refuse to let go Morty and they will try to replace them with numbers and figures which is not good at all.

The Banks Are Circling!

Morgan Stanley Goldman Sachs and JPMorgan Chase are leading the IPO. Translation: the establishment is trying to cash in. These guys are like parasites feeding off the desperation of the market. Just remember Morty: 'Nobody exists on purpose nobody belongs anywhere everybody's gonna die.' So why bother with any of this financial garbage? Just get schwifty Morty!