Holy Crap Lois! Trump's Throwing a Crypto Party and I'm Not Invited (Yet?)!

Half a Million Dollars?! Giggity!

Alright Lois you are NOT going to believe this. Some fancy pants named Nick Pinto a marketing director at his family's law firm spent HALF A MILLION DOLLARS on Donald Trump's meme coin. A meme coin! I mean I spend half a million calories a week but that's mostly on Pawtucket Patriot beer and those giant buckets of chicken from the Bucket 'o Chicken. This guy did it to get into a black tie dinner with Trump. Black tie! I only own one tie and it's got gravy stains from that time I tried to eat spaghetti during a monster truck rally.

Trump Coin? More Like Dump Coin! (Maybe?)

So this $TRUMP coin is apparently a real thing. They say it has no value. No Value! It's like that time I tried to start a business selling my own brand of mayonnaise. 'Peter's Perfect Paste!' Lois said it was a terrible idea and she was right. Turns out people don't want mayonnaise that tastes like feet. Anyway this coin jumped 50% after the dinner announcement. I tell ya people will buy anything with Trump's name on it. Even if it's probably worth less than my dignity after a night at the Drunken Clam.

Pay to Play? Sounds Like a Night at the Clam!

The Democrats are calling this whole thing 'pay to play corruption.' Pay to play? That's just like the Drunken Clam! You gotta pay to play darts pay to play pool and you definitely gotta pay if you wanna try to get lucky with Loretta Brown. Speaking of which where is she? Oh right Cleveland took her... Damn you Cleveland!

The GENIUS Act: Is This a Trap?

Apparently there's this bill called the GENIUS Act that's supposed to regulate crypto. Trump's behind it. GENIUS? More like 'Guaranteed to Enrich Narcissistic Idiots Uh... Seriously?' I don't trust it. It smells fishier than Brian's breath after he's been eating kibble. But hey at least they did background checks for the dinner. I wonder if they'd find my extensive record of public intoxication and accidental arson.

Will Trump Use the Coin in His Digital Golf Game? The World Wonders...

Pinto is hoping Trump will use the coin in some digital golf game. A digital golf game? What is this the future? I still struggle to use the microwave! He's got a point though that might drive up the value. You know like when the cool whip company added “the sound it makes when you open it” to their recipe. You gotta hand it to ‘em that was genius.

Foreign Influence? More Like Foreign Schnitzel!

So turns out a bunch of foreigners are buying this coin too. Apparently they wanna influence the U.S. president. Sounds like a job for... uh... who was that guy who yelled a lot? Oh yeah Liam Neeson! 'I will find you and I will... uh... politely request that you stop buying meme coins!' Wait no. Maybe that's why Chris Tucker was so adamant in Rush Hour... either way this is something something something dark side!