Holy Crap Lois! Is Trump About to Make Gas Cost a Million Dollars!?

Freakin' Sweet Oil News!

Alright alright settle down you bunch of Quahog hooligans! Peter Griffin here your friendly neighborhood… well idiot I guess. But hey I'm here to tell you about oil! So you know how I love driving around in my car blasting KISS and causing general mayhem? Well it turns out that whole Trump China slap fight is messing with the price of gas! Apparently crude oil prices went up a little bit today like when I accidentally won that hot dog eating contest. Remember when I ate all of those hotdogs and I went to the hospital? It was almost as bad as the time I fought that giant chicken.

Tariffs? Sounds Like Some Fancy European Dessert!

So get this Trump put tariffs on stuff! Tariffs are like taxes but instead of going to pay for roads and schools (which let's be honest probably just end up buying Lois a new diamond) they're supposed to make other countries mad! One of them countries is China! Helima Croft (whoever that is) from RBC Capital Markets said it's all a "toxic cocktail" of recession fears and OPEC throwing more oil onto the market. It's like when you try to make a pizza with beer hotdogs and mayonnaise. Pure chaos!

OPEC? Sounds Like a New Boy Band!

Speaking of OPEC they're having a big meeting on May 5th. Sounds like a Cinco de Mayo party right? Except instead of tacos and tequila they're talking about oil. Apparently they're deciding whether to keep the oil flowing or shut it off like when Stewie tries to take over the world...again. It's always so annoying when Stewie tries to take over the world! "Victory shall be mine!" Oh shut up Stewie.

Below $60?! That's Almost as Cheap as Pawtucket Patriot Ale!

So the price of oil actually DROPPED below $60 a barrel! That's the lowest it's been in four years! I almost fainted! Imagine how many Pawtucket Patriot Ales I could buy with all that saved money! Sadly it seems that it went back up. Aw nuts. Looks like I'll have to keep using coupons I find in the couch.

China's Got a Pair of Twos?! More Like a Royal Flush of Trouble!

Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent (another guy I've never met) said China's playing a losing hand. He said they export five times as much to us as we export to them. Sounds like they're playing poker with a pair of twos! What a bunch of doofuses! You gotta know when to hold 'em know when to fold 'em know when to walk away know when to run! And they should probably RUN away from Trump's tariffs.

So What Does This All Mean for Me and My Car?

Honestly I have no freakin' clue! All I know is that if gas prices go up too much I'm gonna have to start riding Brian like a horse! Or maybe I'll just build a car out of cardboard like that time I tried to start my own business. Either way wish me luck! And remember kids don't drink and drive...unless you're really really good at it! Giggity!