A Takeover? Excellent!
Bah! Another day another crisis! It seems BP that bumbling British behemoth is now ripe for the plucking. Takeover target they say? Nonsense! It's merely an opportunity for a hostile takeover...by me! But alas I have my own Springfield to manage and these nuclear power plants don't run on… well anything safe I assure you! But this talk of Shell Exxon and Chevron eyeing BP? Preposterous! I should buy them all and then turn them into my own personal golf courses...after I squeeze every last drop of oil from the Earth of course. Smithers remind me to look into acquiring BP... after my nap.
A Strategic Reset? Humbug!
This "strategic reset" they speak of is nothing but corporate twaddle! Cutting renewable spending to focus on oil and gas? As if they had any idea what they were doing in the first place. Honestly these so called executives wouldn't know a good investment if it bit them on their…well you get the idea. CEO Murray Auchincloss claims this pivot is attracting "significant interest" in non core assets? Balderdash! It's merely the scent of desperation wafting through the financial markets! They're cornered like a rat in a trash can and the bigger rats are circling. Release the hounds Smithers!
Shell Shocked Shareholders!
Shell and BP merging? Antitrust concerns? What a load of poppycock! As if monopolies ever hurt anyone… except maybe the little people. And who cares about them? Frankly a merger would be quite entertaining. Imagine the chaos! The boardroom brawls! It would be like watching Itchy and Scratchy only with more spreadsheets and fewer explosions. Still according to that Morningstar fellow it might just be wishful thinking on my part. Capital discipline my foot! What these companies need is a good old fashioned dose of ruthless ambition... like my own. Smithers remind me to send Mr. Sawan a box of poisoned donuts.
Existential Crisis? Poppycock!
An "existential crisis" for oil and gas? Good heavens the drama! These youngsters today with their talk of renewables and sustainability. It's all so tiring. Oil is forever! It's the lifeblood of civilization… and my vast fortune! This Morningstar chap Good goes on to say that any pursuit of BP would likely be an attempt to merge the two British peers as opposed to an outright acquisition. As if! Why would they ever agree to such a thing? I bet they would rather swallow glass. Smithers get my checkbook ready! Time for a hostile takeover of Morningstar!
Activist Investors? Annoying!
Activist investors! The bane of my existence! Always poking their noses where they don't belong demanding transparency and… ugh… ethical behavior. This Elliott Management holding a near 5% stake in BP? They should be horsewhipped! And Follow This pushing for Helge Lund's ouster? Preposterous! I'll tell you what needs following Smithers follow them to the end of the Earth. They're probably Communists...or worse environmentalists! Time to unleash the Flying Hellfish on them!
Relocate to America? Excellent!
This Della Vigna fellow at Goldman Sachs has a point. BP is a U.S. centered energy company listed in the U.K.? The U.K. gets the biggest discount of any other region in Big Oil? It seems a little fishy to me. Some form of relocation or transatlantic merger may be worth considering! It doesn't feel right at all. It makes me want to say release the hounds on the London Stock Exchange. Smithers start drawing up the plans for Burns Global Energy headquartered right here in Springfield! And be sure to include a moat filled with piranhas.
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