Hail to the King, Baby! Oil Prices Take a Dive After Iran's 'Love Tap' on Qatar

Another Day Another Near Apocalypse

Alright you primitive screwheads listen up! So Iran decided to send a few 'love taps' to a U.S. airbase in Qatar. Normally that's when the world goes to hell in a handbasket but guess what? Nobody got hurt! Talk about a letdown. The fallout? Oil prices took a bigger dive than I do when I see a stripper pole. I guess those pencil pushing investors thought we were gonna have a real showdown. They should know better; nobody messes with the U.S. of A. and gets away with it.

Bombs Away... Price Edition!

U.S. crude oil went down faster than my one liners after a few beers closing at $68.51 a barrel. Brent crude wasn't far behind settling at $71.48. Prices haven't been this low since Israel started bombing Iran on June 13. It's like a friggin' clearance sale on black gold! Maybe I should invest then again I'm too busy saving the world to worry about my wallet. Priorities people!

Qatar: The Unsung Hero

Turns out Qatar's got some pretty sweet air defenses. They intercepted those Iranian missiles like I intercept alien babes at a rave. A spokesperson for the Gulf kingdom confirmed no casualties which is good news for everyone who isn't a war mongering maniac. Thank you Qatar for not giving me a reason to nuke someone today.

Trump's 'Peace Through Strength' Strategy? More Like 'Peace Through Sarcasm'

Energy Secretary Chris Wright said investors think Trump successfully escalated to de escalate. Helima Croft at RBC called it 'peace through strength.' Sounds like a load of bull to me but hey if it keeps the world from turning into a giant fireball I'm all for it. Trump even thanked Iran on social media for the 'early notice.' The guy's got more sarcasm than I have bullets.

Strait of Hormuz: Don't Even Think About It!

The oil market was sweating bullets about Iran closing the Strait of Hormuz which handles 20% of global oil consumption. Some Iranian lawmaker was flapping his gums about it but cooler heads seem to be prevailing. Rubio warned Iran it would be 'economic suicide,' and he's right. Messing with that strait would be like kicking a hornet's nest with steel toed boots. Not a good idea fellas.

China's Got Skin in the Game

Rubio's calling on China to tell Iran to chill out since they rely on the Strait of Hormuz for half their oil imports. Smart move. If China can't keep Iran in line maybe I'll have to pay them a visit. Time to kick some gum and chew ass... and I'm all outta gum.