Tariff Apocalypse! Is Your Wallet About to Get Schwifty?

Wubba Lubba Dub Dub! Tariffs Are Here Morty!

Alright Morty listen up! Your grandpa Rick here has got the lowdown on this whole tariff situation. Apparently the Fed – you know those guys who print the funny money – released a report (they call it the 'Beige Book,' real creative I know) and it's basically saying Trump's tariffs are about to royally screw us all. Businesses are panicking Morty because they're being forced to pay more for uh stuff. And guess who ends up footing the bill? You Morty! You and your stupid average consumer pockets.

Pass the Buck (or the Blips and Chitz Tokens)

So these corporate shills are scrambling to pass those extra costs onto you the consumer. 'Oh but Rick won't that hurt their sales?' Shut up Morty! They'll figure it out probably by making your favorite Szechuan sauce cost a kidney. They're talking about 'uncertainty' and 'margin compression,' which basically means they're trying to figure out how to rip you off without you noticing too much. It's all just advanced bureaucratic wordplay Morty designed to lull you into a false sense of security before they steal your lunch money. Again.

New York New York Big Apple Big Prices!

The fancy pants in New York are already feeling the squeeze. Food insurance construction materials – all going up up up! And get this Morty even tourists are ditching the Big Apple because of this trade war BS! One tech company even lost contacts in Canada. Canada Morty! It's like they're allergic to freedom or something. It's like 'Oh no not affordable goods! Quick let's hide behind our maple syrup and hockey sticks!' Pathetic.

Elon Musk: Government Efficiency Savior or Just Another Jerry?

And then there's Elon Musk's Department of Government Efficiency – or DOGE as they cleverly call it. Sounds like some online currency scheme but anyway Apparently he's been axing federal workers left and right. Which on one hand good riddance to the government bloat but on the other hand those are still people Morty! People who probably need to buy stuff to survive! It's a real 'Gazorpazorpfield' situation – a vicious cycle of economic despair and existential dread.

Food Banks Going Hungry? Sounds About Right

Even the freaking food banks are feeling the pinch! Funding cuts personnel shortages it's a real humanitarian crisis… or at least it would be if I actually cared Morty. But hey less mouths to feed means more for me! Just kidding! (Mostly.) But seriously Morty this is all just another sign of the impending economic apocalypse. Get your survival gear ready. And maybe invest in some plumbus futures.

CNBC Pro: Get Schwifty With Your Investments (or Don't)

And of course the suits over at CNBC are trying to cash in on this whole mess with some 'exclusive inaugural event' at the New York Stock Exchange. Yeah right. Pay them a bunch of money to listen to some talking heads drone on about 'interactive Pro clinics' and 'expert insights.' Please. You're better off investing in Mega Tree Seeds Morty. At least those might actually get you somewhere. I am sure they are charging an arm and a leg just to 'network' with people at the trading floor its not a legendary trading floor its a freaking zoo. And you know what I always say about zoos? 'They are all just a bunch of animals!'