Lyft Ain't No Chump: Stock Soars While Uber Eats Dust!

First You Get the Money Then You Get the Power...

Alright listen up you punks. This ain't no fairy tale. Lyft huh? Those guys they're movin' up! Up 23% Friday baby! That's what I'm talkin' about. They boosted their share buyback plan see? From 500 million to 750 million! That's real dinero! And those gross bookings? Bigger than a pile of… well you know. $4.16 billion! I like those numbers. Numbers are power and power is everything.

Risher Says 'No Worries Amigo!'

That CEO Risher he's got balls. He's on CNBC talkin' 'Squawk Box,' sayin' there's "nothing to worry about" with the consumer. You believe that crap? Maybe he's got somethin' up his sleeve like Sosa. But he’s right about the consumer demand. People need rides and I need to be the one providing them.

Sixteen Straight Baby! Sixteen!

Lyft brags about sixteen straight periods of gross bookings growth. Sixteen! That's like blowin' away sixteen punks in a row! And rides up 16% to 218.4 million! They're movin' weight I tell ya! They're buildin' an empire! I respect that. But empires… they attract attention. And attention ain't always good you understand?

Revenues Up But Not Enough Ese!

Okay so revenues grew 14% to $1.45 billion but they fell short of some stupid estimate. Who cares about estimates? It's about the real money the feel of it in your hand! They made a profit of $2.57 million or 1 cent a share. Not bad but not Montana level. Still it's better than losin' your ass like they did last year with a $31.54 million loss. Those are rookie numbers!

Engine Capital Bails: 'Sayonara Suckas!'

Some activist investor Engine Capital they were makin' noise tryin' to get on the board. But then Lyft announced the buyback and BAM! They're gone! “Productive conversations,” they say. Yeah productive like me conversing with a machine gun. They saw the writing on the wall. They knew Lyft wasn't playin'. Smart move. Now they can go cry to their mommies.

Uber Gets the Boot? You Wanna Play Rough? Okay!

And Uber? Haha! They posted “mixed” results! That’s like sayin’ I’m a “little” angry when someone messes with me! Goldman Sachs upgraded Lyft sayin' "strong execution in a stable industry backdrop." Stable? There's nothing stable about this world! It's a jungle out there and you gotta be the king. And right now Lyft is takin' a bite outta Uber's ass. But remember what I always say: The World Is Yours!