Wubba Lubba Dub-Dub! Alibaba's Earnings Report is Officially Screwed!

Another Dimension Another Disappointment

Alright Morty buckle up because this is gonna be a bumpy ride. Alibaba that Chinese e commerce behemoth just face planted harder than I do after a few bottles of… uh… concentrated dark matter extract. They missed their fiscal fourth quarter earnings. Revenue was a measly 236.5 billion yuan against an expected 237.2 billion yuan and net income was a pathetic 12.4 billion yuan compared to the 24.7 billion yuan predicted. Pathetic! Shares are down almost 8%. And you know what that means Morty? Time to short the stock and buy more portal fluid! Wubba Lubba Dub Dub!

Year on Year? More Like Year on Fear!

Okay okay so revenue was up 7% year on year. Big whoop! Even I can accidentally achieve 7% growth while burping and inventing a new type of interdimensional cable. Net income also jumped 279% year on year. But that’s like saying you're rich because you found a nickel in your lint trap. They sold off some subsidiaries and there were some valuation changes. Basically they’re rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic Morty!

Trade Wars and Economic Whoopsie Doos

The real problem Morty is the whole shebang with the China US trade war. Tariffs flying everywhere like interdimensional parasites at a family reunion. Nobody knows what's going to happen next and that's messing with consumer sentiment. When people are scared they don't buy crap they don't need. It's basic economic…burrrrp… stuff Morty. Get your head out of your ass.

Taobao and Tmall: Still Kicking But Barely

Their core e commerce business Taobao and Tmall grew by 9%. Fine. Customer management revenue jumped 12%. Okay that’s…tolerable. They're trying to boost sales by partnering with Rednote which is like Instagram but with more censorship and fewer pictures of cats probably. It's all just a distraction from the fact that they're getting their asses kicked by rivals like PDD and JD.com. These guys are in an intense price war and Alibaba will keep losing ground to the competition in the China E commerce sphere.

Cloudy with a Chance of AI Breakthroughs (Maybe)

The cloud business is growing. Cloud revenue increased by 18%. Faster than last quarter! They're pushing their AI stuff like Qwen 3 their large language model and are investing big money into AI related ventures. Apparently AI revenue saw "triple digit growth for the seventh consecutive quarter," said Alibaba CEO Eddie Wu although he didn't specify a figure. Good for him. The Cloud business is accelerating to get more income. Cloud based AI services are the current target and more business for Alibaba's cloud is projected in the near future.

Verdict: Time to Get Schwifty!

Look Morty the bottom line is this: Alibaba is facing some serious headwinds. Macroeconomic crap trade wars competition and a general sense of existential dread looming over the entire planet. They're trying to adapt but they need to get…schwifty! They need to show me what they got or they're gonna end up as just another footnote in the infinite encyclopedia of corporate failures. Now let's go get some Szechuan sauce. I hear they’re discontinuing it again.