Holy Crap Lois! Palantir's Making More Dough Than Carter Pewterschmidt!

Giggity Giggity the Numbers are In!

Alright alright alright! Peter Griffin here your favorite newsman (next to Tom Tucker of course...damn him!). So I hear Palantir – you know that company that sounds like a fancy rock from Lord of the Rings – had some news. They met expectations which is like when I 'accidentally' meet expectations with Lois...if you catch my drift. Giggity! Earnings per share hit 13 cents just like they predicted. Revenue? A whopping $884 million! That's enough to buy like a million Chicken Fights... maybe I should invest!

CEO Karp's Wild Ride!

This Karp fella the CEO he's saying they're basically running the whole show for AI. He says they're in a 'tectonic shift' whatever that means! Sounds like when Meg tries to dance at the school prom. Anyway he's all excited about their software. I bet he's got a sweet corner office and a coffee machine that makes perfect lattes every time. Lucky!

Cha Ching! Show me the Money!

Commercial revenues are up 71%! 71! That’s more than I’ve eaten in a single sitting... almost. Government sales? Up 45%. Looks like Uncle Sam's throwing money at 'em like I throw darts at Bonnie Swanson's picture. And Karp is saying there's a stampede for those large language models! A STAMPEDE! I haven't seen one of those since that time I tried to ride a cow at the county fair. Didn't end well let me tell ya!

Nixon and the New Testament... What?

Apparently revenue's up 39% and net income's doubled! Doubled! That’s like getting two Quagmires for the price of one! Giggity Giggity Goo! These guys are making more money than I owe Cleveland for that clam bake incident. And get this Karp quotes Nixon and the New Testament. Nixon! What's next are they gonna start selling snake oil with a side of conspiracy theories?

Trump Elon and Defense: The Holy Trinity!

Their stock's been defying gravity this year apparently. Up 64%! Whoa! All because of defense contracts and... wait for it... Trump and Elon Musk's 'Department of Government Efficiency.' Seriously? Is this real life? Seems like the plot of one of Stewie's world domination schemes.

Palantir's Forecast: Brighter Than My Future!

They're boosting their outlook predicting billions in revenue. Billions! That's more money than I've spent on beer... combined with the medical bills from all the times I hurt myself doing stupid stuff! They closed a bunch of deals too some worth millions. Meanwhile I'm struggling to close a deal on that half eaten donut in the fridge. Sigh... Life is unfair. But hey at least I got Lois. And maybe just maybe I'll invest in Palantir. You know for the family. And for more beer money. Hehehe...