Holy Crap Lois! Eli Lilly's Drugs are Making Bank! (But There's a Catch...)

Giggity Giggity Goo! Money Money Money!

Alright alright alright! So Eli Lilly – not to be confused with my Aunt Lilly who smells vaguely of mothballs and regret – just announced their quarterly earnings. And let me tell you it's like they found the freakin' cheat codes to the money machine! Their weight loss drugs Zepbound and Mounjaro are flying off the shelves faster than Meg runs away from social situations. Giggity!

Zepbound and Mounjaro are the Real MVPs

Seriously these drugs are like the Lois Griffin of the pharmaceutical world: everyone wants a piece! Mounjaro's revenue went up 113% – that’s more than the number of times I’ve blamed Brian for my problems! Zepbound also beat expectations I tell you hwat! People are lining up like it's the buffet at the Drunken Clam. And let me tell you those lines at the Clam are serious business!

Uh Oh Spaghettio! Profit Forecast Got the Peter Tingle... in a Bad Way!

But hold your horses folks! It's not all sunshine and rainbows. Turns out Eli Lilly lowered their profit expectations for the year. Why? Because of some fancy schmancy deal with a cancer treatment thingy Scorpion Therapeutics. Sounds like a rejected James Bond movie if you ask me. This deal cost them a whopping $1.57 billion! That's more than I've spent on beer and chicken fights... combined! Freakin' Sweet!

Trump's Tariffs: A Real Life Road House

And now for the political mumbo jumbo. Apparently Trump's tariffs are causing a bit of a kerfuffle. Eli Lilly's CEO Dave Ricks (sounds like a guy who'd sell used cars) is saying that the threat of tariffs is already bringing manufacturing back to the U.S. But he's not sure we actually *need* the tariffs. It's like when I try to fix something around the house – I usually make it worse. Remember when I tried to install a ceiling fan? Yeah that ended with a visit from the fire department.

Taxes Taxes Taxes! It's Always About the Benjamins Baby!

Ricks is also whining I mean *advocating* for lower taxes especially for domestic production. He says low taxes are what drove companies to places like Ireland and Singapore. It's like when I found that loophole in the recycling program and started collecting cans from the whole town – until Lois found out and made me return them all. Ruined my freakin' retirement plan!

FDA to the Rescue! (Sort Of)

Good news sort of! The FDA says the shortage of tirzepatide (the stuff in Zepbound and Mounjaro) is over. That means those shady compounding pharmacies can't sell their cheaper unapproved versions anymore. So it's like when I tried to sell my homemade beer Pawtucket Patriot and got shut down by the health inspector. You win some you lose some... mostly you lose.