Giggity Giggity Gloom! Tariffs Tank Corona's Bottom Line... And My Happy Hour!

Holy Crap! Numbers are Down!

Alright so I'm no Brian but even I can see these numbers are about as exciting as Lois's meatloaf! Constellation Brands the folks who bring us lovely beverages like Corona (mmm Corona) didn't hit their targets. Apparently those Wall Street guys were expecting a bigger pile of clams. They blamed it on those darn tariffs on aluminum. Aluminum! That's like blaming the car because you ran over a squirrel! Giggity!

Trump's Tariffs: A Real Family Guy Problem!

So this whole thing started when President Trump decided to slap some heavy taxes on aluminum. Now I'm no expert on economics I leave that to Mort Goldman but it sounds like a real pain in the rear. Apparently it's making it more expensive to can beer which is a huge problem because what's better than a cold one on a hot day? Answer: Two cold ones! It’s like that time I tried to build a treehouse and realized I was allergic to wood…it just doesn’t work!

¡Ay Caramba! Mexican Beer Takes a Hit!

Now here's the kicker: Constellation's beer business is all about Mexican imports. Corona Modelo Especial... the good stuff! And apparently a big chunk of their customers are Hispanic folks. Last quarter they even said that hispanics consumers were buying less beer due to some immigration policy... That's like me not eating chicken because I'm afraid of giant chickens attacking Quahog! Wait that almost happened...Freakin' Chicken!

Svedka Vodka: Gone But Not Forgotten (by Drunks Like Me)!

Adding insult to injury they also got rid of Svedka vodka. Svedka! I mean who am I gonna blame for my questionable decisions now? I'll miss you Svedka you were my favorite co pilot on many drunken adventures! You're like the Meg of vodka always there but never appreciated until you're gone!

Hope Springs Eternal (Especially When Beer is Involved)!

But hold on to your hats folks! Despite all this doom and gloom Constellation still thinks they'll hit their goals for 2026. They're like me trying to lose weight – always optimistic but ultimately doomed to fail in a glorious donut filled blaze of glory. It's gonna be Legen...wait for it... dary!

Time to Panic Buy (And Blame Cleveland)!

So what does this all mean? Well I’m not sure but I'm heading to the store to stock up on beer just in case. You know gotta prepare for the apocalypse. Maybe I should blame Cleveland for this… yeah that feels right. Everything's Cleveland's fault! Freakin' Cleveland!