American Eagle's Flightless Quarter: Turns Out Teens Don't Want to Dress Like Eagles Anymore!

Holy Crap They Lost Money!

Alright so I'm Peter Griffin your average slightly overweight incredibly insightful journalist. And let me tell you folks American Eagle is in trouble! They had a bad quarter like really bad. I'm talking Lois yelling at me for eating all the chicken bad. They lost money about 29 cents a share! And everyone thought they would only lose 22 cents. That's like finding an extra french fry at the bottom of the bag only it's covered in mold. Gross!

What the Deuce Happened to Their Clothes?

Apparently they had to write down $75 million worth of spring and summer clothes. $75 million! That's enough to buy like a million Cutaway shirts! Or maybe just one solid gold Cutaway shirt. Either way it's a lot. The CEO some guy named Jay Schottenstein said it was because of 'miscalculated merchandising strategies'. Which if you ask me sounds like they hired Stewie to design the clothes. No offense Stewie but your fashion sense is a little... evil genius.

Aerie's Not So Soaring

Even Aerie their underwear and yoga pants line took a hit! Down 4%! You know Lois wears Aerie. Maybe that's the problem? Nah Lois always looks great even when she's yelling at me for accidentally setting the house on fire. Remember that time I tried to deep fry a turkey indoors? Good times... for everyone but the firemen.

Tariffs? More Like Terrible iffs!

Turns out these tariffs are messing everything up! They get a lot of stuff from China like almost 20%. And some CFO guy Michael Mathias said those tariffs could cost them millions! Millions! That's enough to buy... well I don't know what that's enough to buy. But it's a lot of Pawtucket Patriot beer that's for sure! It’s like that time I tried to become a diplomat. Oh the things I did for free appetizers...

American Eagle Stock: Taking a Dive

The stock is down down down! Like me trying to ice skate at the Quahog skating rink. It's a disaster! It’s like Brian trying to explain quantum physics to me – completely over my head! Remember that time I tried to understand the stock market? I ended up investing all our money in that blimp company and lets say Lois wasn't too happy when the blimp crashed and burned! Giggity!

Time to Panic? Eh Probably

So what's the takeaway here? American Eagle is struggling. They messed up their clothes tariffs are biting them in the butt and everyone's buying their clothes online anyway. Maybe they should just start selling Pawtucket Patriot beer. That's a business I could get behind! Alright I'm off to the Drunken Clam. Quagmire get the darts ready!