Oracle's Numbers Got Nuked! What Happened to the King?!

Hail to the King Baby... Or Not?

Alright you primitive screwheads listen up! Duke Nukem here reporting live from the front lines of… finance? Yeah even I gotta pay the bills and sometimes that means wading through numbers that are drier than a popcorn fart. Oracle those database dudes just dropped their quarterly results and… well let's just say they didn't exactly stick the landing. They were expecting $1.49 per share but only pulled in $1.47. Revenue? $14.13 billion when they were shooting for $14.39 billion. Close but no cigar fellas. It seems someone forgot to bring enough bubblegum.

Cloud Nine? More Like Cloud With a Silver Lining

But hold on there's a silver lining brighter than my chrome dome. Oracle's cloud services are BOOMING! Revenue jumped 10% to $11.01 billion which is like 78% of their total haul. And their cloud infrastructure? Holy crap 49% increase to $2.7 billion! That's because all you nerds are going crazy for AI and need somewhere to park your digital brains. Looks like someone's been working out! Time to kick ass and chew bubblegum... and I'm all outta gum.

Trump Oracle and a Stargate to Texas?

And here's where things get interesting. Remember that orange faced dude who used to run the country? Well apparently he's teaming up with Oracle OpenAI and SoftBank to build data centers in Texas as part of a project called Stargate. Sounds like something straight out of a sci fi movie! Larry Ellison the big cheese at Oracle is promising to double their data center capacity this year. "Customer demand is at record levels," he says. Guess everyone wants a piece of this AI pie. This is what I do best I kick ass and chew bubble gum!

Show Me the Money!

Oracle's got a whopping $130 billion in remaining performance obligations. That means people owe them a LOT of money. They also signed $48 billion in contracts excluding all the Stargate shenanigans. And they're planning to drop $16 billion on capital expenditures this year which is double what they spent last year. Someone's feeling flush! Shake it baby! You are clear for landing.

The Future? Less Than Impressive...

But here's where the buzzkill comes in. Oracle's forecasting growth of 8% to 10% for the current quarter but analysts were expecting 11%. And their earnings per share? They're projecting $1.61 to $1.65 while the smarty pants expected $1.79. Seems like someone hit a speed bump. Maybe they need to consult the Magic 8 Ball. Hmmm... outlook not so good. Looks like someone needs to reload!

Dividends and Disappointments

On a brighter note Oracle's boosting their quarterly dividend to 50 cents a share. So yay for shareholders! But their stock is still down almost 11% for the year. Ouch. Overall it's a mixed bag. Cloud services are rockin' AI is driving demand but the numbers aren't quite as explosive as everyone hoped. Guess even Oracle has to deal with Monday mornings. I'm gonna get laid...!