Is The Sky Falling Mr Burns Warns of Impending Doom!

Excellent Cash Position

Bah! A record $334 billion in cash you say? Warren Buffett is hoarding it like I hoard plutonium. Perhaps he's finally learned a lesson from yours truly. Cash is king you blithering idiot Smithers! King! Use it to buy loyalty power and perhaps a few more Impressionist paintings for my personal collection. And that whelp Elon Musk making budget cuts! He's like a younger slightly less evil version of myself. But these tariffs... these are concerning. I'd better have Smithers buy more shell companies to hide my ill gotten gains from these tariff loving goons.

Warning Signs Are Flashing

Lofty valuations? Deteriorating market breadth? It sounds like the symptoms of my osteoporosis! Smithers remind me to schedule my bone density scan. The market is a fickle beast much like that Simpson boy. One moment he's shining my shoes the next he's unleashing wild dogs upon me! These so called experts are pointing to warning signs. I say where were they when I tried to warn everyone about the dangers of unions? Bah! They were probably lining up for free donuts.

Fools Rush In

While Buffett and I (a far superior mind naturally) are urging caution the common rabble are throwing their money into the market like drunken sailors. Fools! They haven't learned that the market is a rigged game and I'm usually the one rigging it. Soon they'll be begging for scraps from my table. And I shall gladly deny them! Smithers remind me to order more caviar. The market will crash harder than Homer Simpson falling down the stairs.

Time To Prune and Plunder

I told you simpletons to take some chips off the table! Have you been listening? Of course not. Pruning is for gardeners and ruthless corporate raiders such as myself. Why is everyone so surprised when these bubbles burst? Honestly the predictability of it all is rather dull. This whole economy is like an old man trying to return soup at a deli.

Europe? Bah!

Europe? What's that good for except aging castles and angry mobs?! Fine fine the article says European markets are outperforming ours. Perhaps I should invest in some continental misery. Smithers liquidate some assets but make sure it doesn't affect my weekly badger whipping budget. And someone get me those scalpers! I want box seats for the opera!

Stagflation? Exxxxcellent!

Stagflation! The very word sends shivers of delight down my ancient spine. High inflation AND stagnant growth? It's the perfect environment for consolidating my power and squeezing every last penny out of the masses. Time to call in the hounds and unleash them on the workforce eh Smithers? And buy some more stocks when they bottom out... for pennies on the dollar! Remember the words of Montgomery Burns 'Buy low sell high... pay no taxes!'