Wubba Lubba Dub-Dub! Jack Daniel's Stock Tanks Harder Than I Do After a Bender

Earnings? More Like 'Earning's My Disappointment'

Alright listen up 'cause I only say this once (burp). Brown Forman the geniuses behind Jack Daniel's just face planted harder than Morty when he sees Jessica. Their quarterly earnings? Lower than my tolerance for Summer's social media updates. CEO Lawson Whiting bless his heart says they made "important progress in an exceptionally challenging macroeconomic environment." Translation: 'We screwed up but at least we have fancy buzzwords to cover our asses.'

Numbers That Would Make Even Jerry Feel Depressed

The numbers Morty! They don't lie! Earnings per share were 31 cents against an expected 34. Revenue? $894 million when the smart guys on Wall Street wanted $967.4 million. That's like a whole 'nother dimension of failure. Sales dropped 7% and net income got Thanos snapped down 45%. Ouch. That's gotta sting more than a parasite infestation.

Whiskey Flatlined Tequila Took a Dive Ready to Drinks? Not So Ready

Even the whiskey Morty the lifeblood of civilization (or at least my lab) was just...meh. Flat! Tequila and those sugar bomb ready to drink concoctions? Down 14% and 6% respectively. Looks like people are finally realizing that those things are just diabetes in a can. Good for them...less competition for the real stuff.

2026: The Year of 'Oh Crap'

Looking ahead Brown Forman expects more of the same. Declines in organic net sales and operating income. They're blaming it on "macroeconomic and geopolitical volatility." Which is just a fancy way of saying 'The world's a mess and we have no freakin' clue what's gonna happen.' Welcome to the club fellas. Existence is pain.

Tariffs: The Silent (But Deadly) Killer

Ah tariffs. Those pesky little taxes that screw everything up. Some nerds at Bernstein reckon a 50% tariff on American whiskey in the EU would shave off 10% of Brown Forman's earnings. Ten percent Morty! That's like losing a whole dimension! And apparently Canadian liquor stores are pulling Jack Daniel's off the shelves because of some beef with President Trump. It's worse than a tariff Morty it's the end of the world as we know it.

Recession? Time to Panic (But Keep Drinking)

Here's the kicker: in a recession the fancy alcohol makers do worse than the beer slingers. That means Brown Forman is more screwed than a squanch in a blender compared to companies like Constellation Brands Molson Coors and Anheuser Busch. So what's the solution? Simple Morty: drink more whiskey! Maybe if we all get drunk enough we can forget the impending doom. Wubba Lubba Dub Dub!