Comcast's Broadband Brain-Melt: Losing Customers Faster Than Morty Loses His Sanity!

Losing Customers? That's Unpossible!

Alright Morty listen up. Comcast yeah that monolithic corporation that charges you an arm and a leg for internet slower than a Szechuan sauce deprived Rick trying to escape the Citadel is LOSING customers. Can you believe it? Turns out people don't like being treated like… well like Morty treated by Jessica. They lost 199,000 broadband customers. 199,000 Mortys who finally woke up and smelled the Folgers Crystals that isn’t actually coffee!

Blame Game: It's Never Their Fault Morty!

Of course they're not taking responsibility. Oh no it's an 'intensely competitive environment.' Boo hoo! They claim they are “not winning the marketplace”. President Mike Cavanagh even said something about a 'disconnect.' A disconnect Morty? I'll give you a disconnect! It's called 'terrible customer service,' and a business model stuck in the frickin' Stone Age! But hey at least their earnings surpassed expectations. Figures. Classic Comcast. I swear Morty if they charged for Plumbus functions you'd need a mortgage.

Mobile: The Shiny Distraction!

So where's the money going? Mobile Morty! Xfinity Mobile! Because everyone *needs* to bundle their overpriced internet with slightly less overpriced phone service. Revenue's up 16% they added 323,000 lines. It’s just a distraction Morty a way to make you forget they are throttling your connection while you are trying to stream interdimensional cable. It’s a classic bait and switch Morty don’t fall for it!

The Vulture Strategy

Comcast is pulling a ‘follow the leader’ strategy from Charter communications where they are working to remove the ‘long time negative perception’ about cable companies. So far it seems they are doing the opposite because they continue to have the same negative perception. At the end of the day you can’t fix stupid Morty and Comcast seems to be stuck in that realm.

Peacock: The Streamer That Could (Maybe)

And then there's Peacock. They're narrowing their losses and gaining subscribers. But listen Morty don’t be fooled remember what happened with Roy: A Life Well Lived? Sometimes even the most engaging simulations have a way of reminding you that you are still trapped in a box! So maybe someday Peacock will not be a loss but I'm not holding my breath.

Theme Parks: Where They REALLY Get You!

Theme parks… that’s where they really get ya Morty! The revenue is down 5% because of the wildfires. Wildfires Morty! I swear the universe is mocking us. But don't worry they're building a new park in Florida! Universal Epic Universe! Fifty attractions! Fifty ways to separate you from your schmeckles! Look Morty I know theme parks are fun and all but just remember that it’s all just a distraction and in the end the only real way to enjoy time is with family.